My Books

April 30, 1983: My books! I have always liked the classics like Tolstoi, Austen, Raymond Chandler, Wharton, James, Hardy and Hemingway. Now in Argentina, I´m starting to discover Sabato, Borges, and Mallea. They keep me calm and as cool as possible in this time of our great crisis. What would I do without them?

The Embassy Again

April 28, 1983: We´re going back to our old haunt, the American Embassy tomorrow. Fill out more paperwork. It´s getting to be such a chore for my Tia. She doesn´t want to accept my mother´s offer to buy her a little house or apt.m though it´d be in my name.
In the meantime, I´m letting the neighbors know about my English skills. It´s not going to bring in too much money, but it´ll distract me from Luis, among other things.

Passion?

April 26, 1983: Is this what I feel for Luis passion? Is this what wanting to be near him, wanting more and more, this thinking about him, called? I´ve never felt this way before, naive as it sounds.

Doubts

April 24, 1983: The weather´s been behaving, it´s nice and on the warm side. That´s the only good thing about these days! My Tia keeps harping on the nursing home issue and I miss Luis. Haven´t seen him in a few days (5 to be exact). Everything seems dark and gloomy without him, like the light has been turned off.

Longing

April 19, 1983: I have this feeling that I don´t know how to explain. It´s a mysterious something. There´s more than wanting a place for my Tia and me, more than wanting Luis to want me. What is it? The question has crossed my mind and soul before. The answer has been elusive.

Eyes

April 17, 1983: Luis has beautiful eyes. They´re not blue and not quite grey either. I looked at them because he looked at me. My knees started to shake and I had to hold on to the edge of the beat up desk.

Struggles

April 17, 1983: She´s found out again! It´s no use. I wanted to keep my looking for an apt a secret, but it´s impossible. A broker called asking for me and now she knows. Now what? She says she doesn´t want anything from my mother because my mother is under no obligation to help her and that she´ll just go into a nursing home. As if that would do anything for her!

Diversions

April 15, 1983: Today we needed a diversion, something to take our minds off the situation. Belgrano was the answer. The neighborhood is half an hour by colectivo from San Vicente, so I treated my Tia to a cafe con leche and media lunas. Haven´t told her that I´ve started looking for a small house or apt. The ones I´ve seen so far need a lot of work.Too much work for my mother to agree to the idea.
I´ll be seeing Luis again tomorrow when I volunteer in the morning. Can´t wait. I´ll probably not be able to sleep tonight.

Real Estate

April 11, 1983: Tonight I went by a real estate company to ask about apt. and house prices. The realtor said an apt., would go for around $10,000 U.S. dollars and a house with a small garden almost twice that much. I´ll start looking and taking a look. We need to have a place fot my Tia to feel safe.

Wanting

April 8, 1983: I want Luis to want me. I want him to love me as much as I love him. For me, it´s that simple. There´s no feeling I treasure more than the feeling I have when I see him, when we see each other. Will it last? Will I outgrow it? Right now, it´s too soon for me to tell. But I would prefer to have it forever, even when I´m my Tia´s age.

Another Way?

April 8, 1983: My mother has suggested that there could be a solution to my Tia´s housing problem. She would consider buying her something, like a small apt., so she wouldn´t have to feel insecure anymore. It´d be great for her! Even in another neighborhood, just so long as she has a place that´s her very own.

Forbidden?

April 3, 1983: How can what I feel for Luis be called ´´forbidden´´? If it really was forbidden, I wouldn´t be feeling it. I know the Church doesn´t like for these things to happen and that this type of love is not socially acceptable, but there´s nothing much they can do about it.

Kisses

April 1, 1983: I think April Fook´s Day is the perfect day to mention kisses. I have never beeen kissed. Never as in never ever. How does a woman feel when she´s kissed by a man she really likes? The closest I have come is the dream when Luis kissed me. In real life, would I feel tingly all over? Would I feel love, the mutual kind when he looked at me and I looked at him? Would I want more and more and for him to never stop?

Beautiful!

March 30, 1983: The weather here is still great, nice and sunny, just as I like it. My Tia doesn´t know about the obstacles to going to the U.S. We´re up in the air again. Just when it seems there´s hope, there isn´t. There just isn´t because it evaporates right in front of our eyes.

Cloudy

March 28, 1983: Another trip to the Embassy. The news I got there isn´t very good. The Embassy employee took me aside and told me that the chances of my Tia actually going to the U.S. anytime soon are slim. She´s not top priority, like a husband or wife, even a son or daughter. I will not tell her, not yet anyway. What will she do? What will I do? How can I spare her more pain?

Adios!

March 24, 1983: So many things bottled up inside of me that I don´t know where to begin! First, my encounter with Luis really did shake me! It has me thinking about it all day, all say long. Did it shake him too? Did he allow himself to feel? Or did he just put it under the carpet? I don´t know and I don´t want to guess. I know what i felt and it was very, very strong, very beautiful and unexpected, too. Then there´s this project of going to the Embassy. I have a feeling that getting my Tia to the U.S. isn´t going to be easy.

Take Control

March 26, 1983: We, my Tia and I, need to take control of our individual situations. We´re a small family, she and I, and we need to be united. United for our own good.

An encounter

March 26, 1983: Out of all the places I could have imagined, it happened where I at least expected it. My Tia and I were waiting for the Colectivo (the number 60) to take us back to San Vicente after the Embassy, when I saw him. Luis appeared in front of me as if by magic. He was driving his little beat up Volkswagen and I could only stare at him. Had no idea what to do. The afternoon was sunny and very warm and if I hadn´t grabbed my aunt´s arm for support, I would have fainted. He nodded curtly in her direction and then the light changed and he was gone.

Questions

March 22, 1983: Back to the Embassy where my Tia had to answer all sorts of questions: did she have any property in Argentina, any money in the bank, any relatives. No to each of these. Any health problems? Yes, because of an operation a few years ago. My Tia didn´t like answering these questions. She´s not into going to the U.S.( not even to see her sister after 15 years) and even when she tries to be as polite and patient as possible, it´s a drain on her. Wish all this were over. One way or another. We´ll be going back next week for yet more questions.

American Embassy

March 19, 1983: The American Embassy it was today! It´s a very, very large building near the Bs. As. Zoo. It´s got lots of security and security guards searching purses, parcels, etc. We sat across the street, on a plaza bench, for 3 hours. The Embassy employee was very nice (a typical blonde, just like in the movies) and asked us to come back again later this week. I´m sure my Tia will be asked more questions and told to fill out an application.

Tomorrow

March 17, 1983: Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow we´ll find how to deal with this ordeal, the housing problem. I can´t stand to see my Tia up in the air. It´s just too much for her. Even if I will miss Padre Luis and the neighbors, we have to leave this house and San Vicente.

More Luis

March 15, 1983: Today I dragged my Tia to the parish church. My excuse was that the Legion de Maria ladies had asked me to invite him to our next meeting. True as that was, I would have gone, anyway. We got to his office and he kissed my Tia on the cheek, while I gave him the tips of my fingers. Would have died had he kissed me, too. Not now. If he ever kisses me, I want it to be on the lips.
He looked at me full in the face and I blushed. Couldn´t help it. Rushed my words out in a hurry, so I wouldn´t stammer like an idiot. Luis accepted the invitation and then my Tia, saying we had to run an errand, dragged me out of there. Good thing she did.

My Grandmother

March 13, 1983: I was reminded that today is another anniversary of my grandmother Ana´s death. She had a hard life, too, but not like my Tia´s. My grandmother was a young woman of 31 when my grandfather died suddenly of a heart attack. She was a single mother with two small girls. Her husband´s well-to-do family turned their back on them and she learned to fend for herself.

Writing in my head

March 13, 1983: I like to write in my head, even while I run errands with my Tia. Then i put everything down on paper, later when we get back to the house. Today I wrote about our trip to the American Embassy. I want it to work out for her. Right now where she´ll spend the rest of her life is important. What I feel or don´t feel about this isn´t.

Somewhere?

Mrch 11, 1983: I feel that I´m a travelling sales woman. I´m one day here, one day there. Just got to Argentina (at least that´s how it seems to me) and already I have to think about packing again. Very uncertain feeling.

Getting Ready

March 11, 1983: The days are still nice and hot. The end of summer is so great here! Now I can wear some of my short skirts and feel pretty and young for a change. Back in San Francisco, I could almost never do that. I was always a little afraid of the weather there.
Next week, we´ll be going to the American Embassy. My Tia is still not looking forward to the possibility of leaving Argentina, but I feel it´s worth a try. i wouldn´t want to leave her worse off than how I found her.

Siesta Time

March 10, 1983: During our siesta this early afternoon, i had a great dream. >Padre Luis and I were alone together in his small parish office. I asked him to look up something in his ledger (of course, it was just an excuse) and, on an impulse, I touched his soft brown hair. He wasn´t wearing his white clerical collar and that made me feel bold enough to do it. He turned to look at me and his eyes were full of love. He touched my face and then he kissed me. I felt his passion and I kissed him back.

Other Ways

M;arch 9, 1983: I wish my mother could buy my Tia a small apt. here in San Vicente. Maybe she could even buy this one (at a fair price) from the landlady. Wouldn´t want my mother to pay more than what this is worth just because she has the all-powerful dollar. My Tia could then spend the rest of her life near her neighbors and I could move to another place so I wouldn´t run into Padre Luis as much. I seem to bump into him even when I don´t want to. The feelings I have for him still scare me and I don´t know where they´d lead me.

The American Embassy

March 8, 1983: I think we´ll give the American Embassy a try. I know my Tia is going to be sad to leave Argentina and go to the U.S., but there aren´t too many options for her right now. She can´t stay here in San Vicente or anywhere else when she´s so frail. I look at her and can´t get over the fact that she´s a shadow of her former robust self.And going to the Embassy is going to be fun! This new one is near the Zoologico. >I remember my father taking us to the zoo and how he´d buy us dark pink cotton candy after we saw all the animals.

Up Front

March 6, 1983: I think I have to start being more up front, more honest with my Tia. Telling her the other day about my anorexia nervosa was just the tip of the iceberg. There{s a lot more to tell her. I want to do it because she and I are living together and her situation is serious. The bond between us is real in spite of the difference in our ages. Maybe tonight after dinner, I{ll confide in her some more. I{ll tell her about my loneliness, my school days in San Francisco, for instance.

Universal

March 5, 1983: Is what i feel for Padre Luis felt by other women for other men that they can´t have? Is what my Tia is going through something that other women in other countries go through when they´re left to fend for themselves at a late age? I wish I had someone my own age or closer to talk to about all this. I wish i could get all this out somehow, but not by writing about it. As it is, I feel like a bottle full of something that´s about to explode.

After Shave

March 3, 1983: Today we ran into Padre Luis and he smelled so good! I think it was Acqua Velva or something like it. Didn´t know that priests could wear after shave lotion. It only makes him more attractive and sexier.

America?

March 3, 1983: My mother called last night and suggested that my Tia go live in San Francisco. It´s not a bad idea, but we´d have to go to the American embassy and find out how easy that would be, how long it´d take. We have to find a solution because my Tia is getting more and more nervous and i don´t like to see her like this. It´s very sad.
And I´d miss Padre Luis. I´d miss him more than anybody else in San Vicente. Will I see him again after I leave here? Will we run into each other?

Endings

March 1, 1983: I don´t like to end our stay (or my stay) in San Vicente. People are nice here and I don´t feel invisible. Invisible was exactly how I felt back in San Francisco. I felt that nobody saw me, nobody cared. Funny how taking a plane can sometimes have you see things in a different, in a better, way.

My Father

February 27, 1983: There´s a small body shop right next to the parish church. My aunt and i always go by it and I always ask her to please have us go by it again. The smell of the body shop reminds me of my father. I love the smell of gasoline because it was his smell when we were living here in Argentina. He preffered foreign cars, like Mercedes Benz and Citroen, among others. But, when we got to San Francisco, his favorite car became a Ford. Go figure!

Decisions

February 27, 1983: It´s time my Tia and I made some decisions, some tough ones. I don´t think it´s good for her to stay in San Vicente anymore. I have come to love it as much as she does, but her situation is too iffy, too up in the air here. And my own feelings for Padre Luis scare me. How to handle them? How to be cool and nonchalant when I love him?

Why?

February 26, 1983: Why can´t my Tia be left alone as far as the housing goes? Why can´t she just have her own home and spend the rest of her days in peace? She deserves thast and more.

Why?

February 26, 1983: Why can´t my Tia be left alone as far as the housing goes? Why can´t she just have her own home and spend the rest of her days in peace? She deserves thast and more.

Water

February 25, 1983; It´s still very hot around here, though it is almost the end of summer. I don´t mind it, except that we have to wash ourselves several times a day and even that isn´t enough. The shower in my Tia´s bathroom doesn´t work and there´s no money to fix it. On top of that, the water supply in this part of the provincia de Buenos Aires is rather iffy. How can people live like this? When we lived here before going to the U.S. we didn´t have this problem. In fact, when we got to California, we were always surprised when people asked us about life in the slums of Argentina. We didn´t live in one, we´d answer. San Vicente is nowhere near a slum, but the water could be better. I certainly don´t want to run into Padre Luis on one of our errands and have him think that I don´t care about hygiene.
Maybe I could give English lessons and pay a good plumber to fix the shower.

Explaining Padre Luis

February 21, 1983: I love the talks with my Tia, though they´re often hard to take on an emotional level. She´s just told me some things about Padre Luis that I didn´t know. For instance, that he really wanted to become a priest to help people and that his mother was totally against the idea. She begged him not to enter the seminary, but he refused to let his mother influence his decision. She wanted hinm to get married and give her grandkids. Couldn´t he have helped people as a doctor or psychologist, something like that? He´s just too good-looking to be a priest. Women a lot more experienced than I am notice that. I can tell that when I go to Mass.

Better

February 19, 1983: Now I feel better. Having told my Tia something more about me gave me a sense of relief. She knows that I´m human, too, and that I´ve had my own problems. That will help me help her. How remains the same unanswered question.