Different Flags by Eugenia Renskoff

Different Flags, a book by Eugenia Renskoff, tells the story of 26-year-old Ani. Ani leaves her comfortable but stifling life in San Francisco to travel to Argentina to comfort her widowed Aunt Esther. Once back in her native country, Ani must face her unexpected feelings of love for Padre Luis, her aunt's young and handsome parish priest. Different Flags is a study of Ani's inner conflict.

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Location: New York, New York, United States

I am a writer, translator and teacher of Spanish and English to foreign students. I have been writing since I was six. I love to express myself through words. I have also traveled widely.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Kelly Girl

September 29, 1983: I just got back from Kelly Girl Services. Was given a test, and they said I did fine. I will be going to some office next week, at $3.75 per hour, minimum wage.
Maybe I can save enough money for a trip back to Argentina when all this is over.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

September 28, 1983: Today is cold and grey again. It´s spring and warm in Buenos Aires. This cold feeling in San Francisco (it´s more of a feeling than anything else)reminds of my anorexia nervosa about 10 yearsago. I remember how impotent I felt, I remember how the cold weather would attack my left leg and keep it frozen for a long, long while.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Work

September 26, 1983:I think I need to get out of the house. Tomorrow morning I´m going to the Kelly Girl offices and see what they can find for me. Thinking about my Tia, Luis and my father is too much for me. A release would be welcome. The money would come in handy, too.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Waiting

September 24, 1983: It seems that I´m waiting a lot these days. I´m waiting for Luis to write me (but I know he won´t) and I´m waiting for my father to tell us how he feels. We don´t want to know that he´s dying.

Waiting

September 24, 1983: It seems that I´m waiting a lot these days. I´m waiting for Luis to write me (but I know he won´t) and I´m waiting for my father to tell us how he feels. We don´t want to know that he´s dying.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Luis and his Birthday

September 23, 1983: Today Luis turns 28.I wish I could be there in San Vicente, if only to see him from a distance.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

San Vicente

September 20, 1983: I miss San Vicente and its small town atmosphere. Most of all, I miss being visible, knowing that my problems mattered to someone.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Me?

September 14, 1983: In the midst of all this about my father, I still know I´m me and all that means. It´s my love for Luis (how can I ever forget him?) and my life in far away San Vicente with my Tia.
All this is on my mind, no matter how I try to distract my self.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Recovery?

September 9, 1983: My father eats a little more, and he is interested in the paper again, but he is so thin! Will he ever really recover? Or will it be more of the same for him after a period of no pain?

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Coming Clean

September 9, 1983: I´m glad I told my mother even if she already knew.There´s nothing to be ashamed of. My love for Luis is sacred, at least it is to me.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Confession!

September 8, 1983: Told her! My mother and I were in the kitchen, drying the dishes after dinner and I had to tell her that I loved Luis. She wasn´t surprised, wasn´t anything. Did my Tia tell her? All my mother said to me was: Be Careful!

Monday, June 20, 2005

Home

September 6, 1983: My father´s home again.No upsetting news of any kind, the doctor said, and lots of rest. I feel so, so sorry for him! Of course, I can´t help myself from thinking about my Tia and Luis, but this is now, this is here.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Over

September 4, 1983: He asked me to pray for him, to say the Rosary, just before he went into the operating room. And my father isn´t even religious, never was. My mother hides in the bathroom to cry. I think she´s ashamed to do it in front of us. Hers has been such a hard life, too!

Saturday, June 18, 2005

´Growing up?

September 3, 1983: Is this what growing up means? Does it just mean a new kind of pain? Is it a new kind of turmoil, of sadness? Then I wish I´d stayed the way I was before, ignorant as to the ways of the world.
I will always be grateful to San Vicente and to the two people I love there--my Tia and Luis--but sometimes I think this emotional conflict is too much for me to unravel.

The Day

September 2, 1983:The date of my father´s so- called exploratory surgery is almost here. Don´t see why they call it that when they know what he´s got. I´m spending more and more time with him, mainly reading him The San Francisco Examiner.That always was his favorite paper.
Nora entices him with salads and shepherds pie. He´s so thin!

Friday, June 17, 2005

Surgery

August 28, 1983: It´s definite! My father will go under the knife the first days of September. We are all jumpy and nervous. It´s hard to smile and pretend that this is an unimportant event because it isn´t. And he was once, not too long ago, so vital and strong, so in control of himself. Now he depends on us, on my sister, and that makes him feel less than.
Of course. My Tia knows nothing about any of this. She has enough problems as it is. I do try not to ask her about Luis, but he means a lot to me and probably will for a long time.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Sent

August 27, 1983: I managed to send Luis the letter. How dare he!Just because he´s a priest doesn´t mean he can´t tell me yes, no or maybe right to my face. Don´t think he´ll answer me, though.

Sent

August 27, 1983: I managed to send Luis the letter. How dare he!Just because he´s a priest doesn´t mean he can´t tell me yes, no or maybe right to my face. Don´t think he´ll answer me, though.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

The Hospital

August 25, 1983: We went to the hospital again and the news is hardly good. My father needs surgery and there´s no guarantee that he´ll make it, much less be better. In the meantime, nobody dares mention the dreaded word: cancer. It´s all cushioned up.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

How dare he!

August 20, 1983: I´m seething! I´m absolutely fuming! How dare Luis not say yes, no, maybe, anything, after I told him I was in love with him? Yes, he came by my Tia´s house and I wasn´t there, but if he really wanted to talk to me, why didn´t he try again? Men! And they say they can´t understand women!
Just for that I´ll write him a letter, telling him how I feel. Will send it,too.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Tense

August 18, 1983: This is a very nervous time for us, for me. My father is going to go to the doctor again tomorrow and Nora will be driving. The rest of us will meet them at the hospital. It´s hard for him to depend on her, I know, and my sister is doing everything she can to make it as easy as possible. He´s so used to doing everything himself, of going here, there, all by himself!
My Tia, of course, still ignores the reality of the situation. Better that way.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Gauze

August 16, 1983: These first few days back in San Francisco seem unreal, surreal. I feel that everything is being filtered through some sort of thick gauze, the kind doctors use to help heal wounds. But my wound isn´t healing. My father mustn´t know. I don´t want him to find out, especially after the conversation we had last night. He asked me lots of questions about San Vicente, lots more about my Tia. I think he must be identifying with her somehow in spite of their different backgrounds.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

San Francisco

August 13, 1983: I don´t want to think about the trip over here. I don´t want to think about how tired I was for over 15 hours or how sad. All I know is that I´m back and that everything and everybody look and feel strange, as if I was dreaming it all. Mt father is frail, he is not the same person I left almost a year ago. He hugged me hard when he saw me at San Francisco International, but it wasn´t the same type of strong hug.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Before and After

August 12, 1983: Time to go. I don´t want to, I don´t want to. I know I shouldn´t be saying this, but that´s how I feel.

Before and after the plane

August 12, 1983: It´s time to go. I don´t want to, I don´t want to. Hard to say and I know it wouldn´t be understood if people knew about it. People like my neighbors, the same neighbors that just came to say good-bye. My Tia and I will not talk much on the way to Ezeiza Airport. I will tell her how much I love her and Luis. Don´t think she´ll like my mentioning him, but I must. I would be dishonest if I didn´t.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Going

August 12, 1983: The last few minutes before the taxi comes to take me to the airport. Those are the moments that I want to spend with my Tia. I shouldn´t be feeling this, that I don´t want to go, but that´s exactly how it is. No use denying it. I want to see and help my father, but to go back to the old life, too? How will I manage it after living through whatI lived through here in San Vicente?

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Tomorrow

August 11, 1983: I´ll be going tomorrow. It´ll be almost against my will because of my Tia and Luis. I wish I was a saint and were only thinking of my father and his illness, of what that means to my family of origin. Time to admit I´m human. Saying good-bye for real to Luis would be too much and I´m glad he didn´t come back a second time.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

He Came?

August 9, 1983: Yesterday I had to go to San Tomas on one of my last errands before my trip. When i returned to the house, my Tia told that Luis had been there for over half an hour. I don´t want to believe the best (that he came to see me). I shouldn´t believe it, because if I do, then I might have something else to be disappointed about. My Tia, my father´s health, everything are already more than enough problems.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Almost

August 4, 1983: Almost time to go, almost time to say good-bye to San Vicente and all that is dear to me there. Everything seems brighter and nicer and I Look at my Tia as if I were not going to see her again, ever.
As for Luis, maybe other women have already told him they love him and he´s jaded about it all.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Soon

August 1, 1983: The trip is early next week. I´m going back to San Francisco to find my father who knows how thin, how ill. That scares me. I love him and Í don´t want him to be sick. But I´m sad because I might never see my Tia and Luis again. Have had no news, haven´t seen Luis since I told him I love him. That--the fact that I haven´t seen him--isn´t too important right now. There´s still a little bit of time left. If we could run into each other before I go to the airport! That would be something. No, i won´t pressure him or talk to him again. It´s his decision. Either he loves me, can love me or nothing at all. Luis is a grown up, at least. He can make uop his mind and/or his heart--or both.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Consequences

July 30, 1983: What will the consequences of my evil deed be? I mean, now that I think about it, telling a priest that you love him is a bold thing to do. Luis has been ordained and all that. I don´t regret it and I would do it again if I had to.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Done!

July 28, 1983: It´s done and I feel relieved! I went after Mass and we were alone in his little office when he heard it from me. ´´Í´m in love with you, and it´s not because you´re a priest.´´ I swallowed hard and the last thing I wanted was look at Luis in the eye. But I did, and his face went pale.He said nothing, so I told him I was leaving Argentina. Then I turned around before I lost my nerve and left.
What will happen now? Of course, I want him to come after me. Of course, I want him to say he loves me. I´d be nuts if I didn´t. Only Time will give me answers.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Indispensable

July 26, 1983: In the shiort time that we´ve been together my Tia has become very, very important to me. I know she feels the same. I can tell by her gestures, the way she talks to me, how she looks at me when she thinks I´m thinking about whatever.
Leaving her will be traumatic, don´t even want to think about it!
Tomorrow! Luis will know how I feel about him tomorrow after Mass!

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Underway

July 23, 1983, Everything seems to be underway. The trip is the most important thing right now, but I can{t help thinking about Luis and my Tia. I can not wait to tell him how I feel. I am also worried that I will be leaving her to fend for herself. We have good neighbors, but their own concerns come first.