Nostalgia Time

March 28, 1987: I can't help it. I feel a little bit sentimental about the old days. When I look back to the times in San Francisco, I feel very nostalgic. Could I have been as naive and ignorant as I was? I can't believe it, but I was. The old Ani didn't know anything, and maybe she felt better that way. The old Ani was cushioned by her lack of knowledge. Our life here in Argentina won't allow me to forget our harshness, to look the other way and pretend it doesn't exist.

Decision Time

March 26, 1987: I see the writing on the wall. No, Argentina has not really worked out for me. In spite of my Tia, whom I love very much, in spite of the adventure that being here has signified for me, I feel that it is practically over. There is no Plan B, nothing to fall back on. And yet I must make a decision. Something in my circumstances must change because everything else is changing. It has changed and I feel like a fool for not changing with them. Maybe this awareness means a change. Maybe it is part of my transformation and I am still growing up. I am not even trying to think of Luis. He is and always will be important, but he is not here with me. He is not sharing my life and I am not sharing his.

My Abuse

March 18, 1987: One of the reasons keeping me in Argentina is child abuse. My mother started calling me all sorts of horrible names shortly after my brother was born. I was about 6 years old and I would cringe each time she would come near me. I was a useless little girl, I was no good to anyone. The only quiet moments I'd get were when I had to go to school. She couldn't go there with me and I'd feel safe. I wonder if she was suffering from postnatal depression.
Emotional abuse was an unheard of thing in those days. It must have existed, but nobody talked about it. How many little girls my age and younger got the same type of emotional beating I did? How many hated to go back home when their school day was over? My classmates all seemed happy, well-adjusted little girls with parents who loved each other.
I think that being abused emotionally can be worse (or just as bad) as having somebody beat you up because you did something naughty. It hurts your soul and ruins your self-esteem.

Myself

March 6, 1987: Who is this new Ani? I don't know her. She is not sweet anymore, and sometimes she is not even very patient. Her experiences have changed her, maybe not for the better.