Trial

March 7, 1984: The day is on the 9th. The eviction trial will start then. God or something like it, help my Tia! And me, too.

Go Figure

March 5, 1984: Who knows why I remember this about Mark now. He was nothing like Luis--not only because they had different ancestry, background, etc., but because Mark and I were so, so young! Luis is the same as my dream man, in spite of his priesthood.

Boyfriend

March 3, 1984: The closest thing I had to a boyfriend was over 10 years ago in high school. He had the most beautiful grey eyes I have ever seen and the fairest skin. But, back then, I was still considered an immigrant and his twin brother did not like me. As I remember it, Mark´s brother was a jerk.

On

March 1, 1984: Summer´s almost gone. The weather ´s still hot, but not like last week or the week before.
Luis looked at me today. It´s not that he looked, it´s how he did it. It was as if he wanted to find out some secret inside my soul. That´s the best way i can put it. I blushed and looked down.
We almost never talk about anything not having to do with my duties as a receptionist. Most of the time,it´s like we were actors in a silent movie, all emotion, no words.

What?

February 27, 1984: The trial is scheduled to begin next week. I feel for my Tia, very much so. I feel what must be going through her. How good a lawyer is this Luisa? How will things turn out? For us? Now I realize how hard life can be and that makes me shudder.

Discovery

February 24, 1984: I have discovered things about myself I had no idea I had. They are not exactly hidden treasures, either. I have these feelings--very new, strong feelings of jealousy--and handling them is a problem, a great, big problem.

Jealous

February 19, 1984: Some woman kissed Luis (and not exactly on the cheek) and I wished I could have slapped her face. She was young, pretty, well dressed. Next to her I felt like a frump.

Tell

February 17, 1984: How can I tell my Tia that things will turn out fine? It is a tough call, a very tough decision. I love her very much, in a way I did not and could not when I was a small child. If anything, anything at all, were to happen to her, I would be devastated.

Options

February 16, 1984: Time to think about options. Like, what are my Tia´s options? They´re not good. Her prospects for a new life are not anything to sing about. She tries to hide it, but I can tell that her depression grows and grows. It´s in her face, the way she walks, everything about her gives her away.

St. Valentine´s Day

February 14, 1984: Today is the day of the sweetheart, the day of the lover. That´s great. I have a secret love. A love no one must find out about. At least not now, maybe not ever.Does Luis think about me at all today?

Depressed

February 6, 19984: My Tia has changed. She won´t eat very much, she wakes up in the middle of the night and clings to me as if we were in the middle of the ocean.It´s got to be the upcoming trial. I´m scared too.San Vicente is a place we will miss very, very much.

Bridge

February 8, 1984: It´s a bridge I need to go over, just like people who cross from one place, one part of a country to another. This is getting ridiculous. I feel guilty about worrying about this when the eviction trial is just 3 weeks away.

Back

February 6, 1984: I am back in San Vicente.Just like when I returned to San Francisco after spending almost a year here, I feel as if I had never seen San Vicente before--at least not with these new eyes. It is different because I am different. I could have more courage than I thought.I could be smarter than I thought, too.

Damm

February 4, 1984: What will I decide? To just forget about Luis or not? What can I do? I love him and I don´t want to give him (or my love for him) up.It´s a big deal to me. A really big deal.

A few More

February 4, 1984: I´m staying here, in San Isidro, a few more days. My Tia said no problem. Analia invited her over here, too, and offered to have her husband drive her over here. No,gracias, she told them. She wants to stay in San Vicente. Too bad, because she could use the getaway time even more than I.

Rethinking

February 2, 1984: What Analia told me about Luis and his vocation has made me think and think hard. The Catholic Church is a tough nut to crack. It´s not as if it were a woman who loved Luis even more than I do (which, I think, would be impossible, anyway). It´s an institution and one that is very old and very powerful. Very rich, too.Not that I´m afraid, but could he love me more than he loves It?

Analia

February 1, 1984: I´m here in San Isidro and the house is beautiful, with a swimming pool and everything. Analia spoke with mewhen we were resting by the pool. Asked me how much I knew about Padre Luis.What do I need to know? What is there to know, some deep, dark secret? He´s got a mother who´s very, very into the Church. The woman always wanted to have a son priest. And he´s committed, as in very much so, to his vocation. No more sun for me after this conversation.

San Isidro

January 28, 1984: Doña Teresa´s daughter in law invited me to spend a few days with her and her family in San Isidro. They have a casa de fin de semana there. That´s where they spend the weekend most of the time. I need a break and I´m hoping my Tia will say yes, it´s ok. for me to go.

Iffy

January 29, 1984: The weekend in San Isidro may not happen. My Tia says she´ll think about it and, because I live with her, I have tio respect her wishes.It´s old fashioned of me because I´m 27 and not a little girl, but it´s the best thing to do. I could use a little bit of relaxation and time away from San Vicente. Same for my Tia.

Invited

January 28, 1984: Just in time to enjoy the summer, or what´s left of it, anyway!One of Doña Teresa´s daughteras-in-law invited me to go with her, her husband and kids to San Isidro, a posh neighborhood near San Vicente.They have a house there and there´s a swimming pool. Can´t remember the last time I wore a bathing suit.I´ll ask my Tia, but I know she´ll say yes. It´s only for a couple of days, and I need the change.

Explanation

January 27, 1984: This is really a hot summer. January is usually so unbearable in Buenos Aires that it´s chosen by many people as getaway time.
Luis soike with me just before I went home this afternoon.He said he read the letter I sent him from San Francisco. He reminded me (and possibly himself?) that he´s a priest. I told him I´ll never say I love him again, but that´s exactly how I feel.
On that we shook hands and I trembled. He´s almost never touched me, but my reaction to him when he´s anywhere near me is the same. Just like electricity.
We looked at each other and didn´t hide. A little bit of progress.

Me Now

January 26, 1984: My mother called and I feel a little guilty. Shouldn´t I be there now, in San Francisco? I wish I could split myself in two. My choice has been made and I´m happy--at least for now.

The Upcoming Trial

January 24, 1984: Luisa, my Tia´s lawyer, called yesterday afternoon. She said the trial will start in March, because of the summer court recess in Buenos Aires. It´ll be hard on her once it´s underway. I wish I could make it all go away--make us go away.

Padre

January 21, 1984: I don´t like to call Luis Padre. I know that´s what he is, but I don´t like it. It makes me sad.I don´t call him anything when we are by ourselves (I don´t dare call him Luis), but when there are people around, I have to call him Padre--by his official title.

Looks

January 18, 1984: Today, when we were in the little office with the beat up deak, Luis looked at me in a way I hadn´t expected. It wasn´t the way he would look at his sister or at a parishioner.

Pleasure

January 18, 1984: I will do my best to enjoy Luis. I mean, I will not try to spoil the pleasure of being near him, seeing him for long hours. It´s not worth it! The Church, the people of San Vicente, not even what my Tia thinks. None of this is important. Enjoying whatever I can, while I can--that is what I need to worry about.

Some

January 17, 1984: Some things are even stranger than things in a book or a movie. Who would have thought, for instance, that I would be here in Argentina playing secretary, and secretary to a priest? Never in a million (or two) years! I was never very religious or never liberated. Now, when I hear that a woman has married her boss, I am glad for her. Just as glad as if it had happened to me.