Hiding

I am sick of hiding it, of not letting it show. My naivete is gone forever, but what will take its place? What should replace it?

Business

June 3, 1985: Back to business in a normal, everyday way. My Tia would understand this only too well if she knew about my visit. I would not tell her, not for anything in the world.

Too Soon

June 1, 1985: The thought of getting my soul back is futile, no good. Luis has it and I cannot ask him to give it back to me.

Clear

May 30, 1985: I should just go somewhere and clear my head. My visit to see Luis has done quite a number on me. More than I can say and I need to know what it means--or does not mean.

Eyes

May 28, 1985: I never realized how important eye language could be. Eye language as far as two people in love, I mean. When I walked into his office, Luis got up, held out his hand and could not say anything. Neither could I. We just looked at each other. Then I sat down. He finally broke the ice by saying something about my Tia. I said fine, all I was able to manage. Then he asked me about me, very brief sentences. Why was I still in Argentina? I wished I knew the answer to that one, too.

Visit

May 26, 1985. I´m going to see Luis tomorrow. The place? His office at 3:30 in the afternoon. Don´t know why I´m both looking forward to the visit and scared. Feelings are no longer black and white, like they once used to be. Now they come in all sorts of different colors, different shapes.

Money

May 26, 1985: Money, or plata as it is commonly known here. My Tia and I worry about it needlessly--or not so needlessly. There is never enough for her medicine, for nothing that we could even remotely knon as leisure. as fun. Welcome to the real world, Ani, some would say. Unfortunately, they would be right.

Funny

May 20, 1985: Some things in life are surprising, unexpected. Luis called this morning while my Tia was out on an errand. He says he wants to talk with me. Just me, not my Tia. Talk about what? I guess I will have to go back to find out.

Belief

May 18, 1985: Whn I was in Caritas, the last thing that I was was a believer. Religion didn´t mean much to me, but Luis did. I don´t think I was being a hypocrite. I helped people, and I really enjoyed it.

Better

May 11, 1985: Sometimes I think what would have happened if I had not come back to Argentina. What would my life be like now? Better? The same? Would I have fallen in love with another man in San Francisco?

Dependable

May 6, 1985: This world is not very dependable, not according to my Tia, not according to me. Time to forget everything, everything except what I need to do for her.

Love

May 3, 1985: I may not have any love to give. Not anymore, not to anyone except my Tia.

Doctor

May 1, 1985: A new doctor at the hospital seems to genuinely care about my Tia. He is also cute, which distracts me a little.

Talking to Me

April 30, 1985: I´m talking to me when I say I should not be as sensitive as I am. It has done me no good in my life. Has hindered a lot of things in fact.

Hospital

April 28, 1985: My Tia is going to the hospital. Never seen her look as sick as now.

Tricks

April 17, 1985: I am getting very tricky at keeping things from my Tia. Things she should not now anything about.

Young

April 15, 1985: My clothes. They also need to make me feel young, as young as I once did with Luis. No need to dress like an old woman anymore.

Changing Jobs

April 11, 1985: I will change jobs. Staying here needs to be more worth it to me as far as making money goes. It needs to mean something. Teaching English does not pay a lot. I´ve already been in a rut. No need to be in another one.

Lips

April 10, 1985: I was talking with my Tia this afternoon, when all of a sudden my lips started to itch. I wasn´t even thinking about Luis. That used to happen so often when we were still in San Vicente. I mean, with no warning, my lips would burn up. Most of the time, it was a signal that he was going to appear, that I was going to see him. But now? I have no hope of that ever happening.

Final

April 8, 1985: It is now final and official: I will not be going back to SF, not for the time being, anyway. I´m afraid I will not see my Tia again if I do.

Outlook

Something

April 3, 1985: He had something that I found nowhere else. It was a special something, a little click that ued to drive me wild. And I learned about sex from Luis. More than I could have learned from any other man.

Tired

April 1, 1985: My Tia looks so tired! Like the life has gone out of her. No, maybe I will not go back to SF, not yet, anyway.

Sin

March 30, 1985: Who cares about sinning right now? The least of my worries.

While

March 29, 1985: While I think about going back to the place that was once home, I will keep calm. No stress, no hair pulling. Just calm and as collected as possible.

Closet

March 28, 1985: Being part of a forbidden love is like being inside a great big closet. Being very vulnerable and not being able to shout for help.

Ticket Back?

March 26, 1985: My sister is absolutely pushing it for me to go back to SF. There must be something going on over there that I know nothing about. Wish I were a mind reader.

Should?

March 21, 1985: Another tough decision. San Francisco now will seem like a strange city, just like San Vicente was when I first came back here. I miss it very much, in spite of the weather. My Tia? What will happen to her and her iffy health? Luis is no problem. I will never see him again.

San Fran

March 17, 1985:My mother called yesterday. She wants me back in San Francisco. I don´t know what to do again.

Pretty

March 13, 1985: I am pretty. I was pretty back in San Vicente. Why didn´t I use it to my advantage, for my benefit? Lack of self esteem? What was it?

Orange Tiles

March 11, 1985: Almost the end of summer.Today, por no particular reason, I take myself back to the orange tiles in the church of San Vicente. They were dark orange and always shiny. I see the long rows of dark brown pews and the statue of the Virgen on the left hand side of the church near the altar. That is where would wait for him. I would sit on one of the pews under her statue until Luis appeared. Sometimes I waited half an hour, sometimes more. But I didn´t mind. In fact, I loved it because after I got over my shyness, I would raise my eyes from the hem of my skirt and look at him. When he looked back at me, I sensed something in him that told me he cared. Maybe it was my woman´s intution, maybe it was something else. But it was there. What I felt was not one-sided. There is no way I could ever believe that.