Never

December 5, 1984: My Tia´s birthday. I hugged her, hugged her hard. I had an awful time when I lost Luis. She´s the most important person in my life. Would never want to be without her.

Take

December 4, 1984: What is the best thing that this experience has given me? The best thing that happened to me in Argentina? It has been one hell of a trip and things happened that I never could have imagined, not in my wildest dreams.

Visit

December 3, 1984: Why did she have to say it? Doña Teresa didn´t mean it, but she runied everything. We were having a great gossip time when she mentioned that Luis was being transferred to Salta. That´s all the way up north. 2 or 3 hours by plane is too far, just too far. Just too far.My Tia looked at me and asked me not to show how I felt. It would be awful if Doña Teresa suspected anything.

Life

December 2, 1984: Things have been too gloomy lately. Thank God (or something) that Doña Teresa is coming over for a visit this afternoon. My Tia and I need cheering up.

See

November 30, 1984: If I could only see Luis again! Why do I want to see him? What has gotten into me?

Way

November 30, 1984: There must be a way for my Tia and I to have something wonderful in our lives. For her that would be peace of mind, no money worries, a place of her own. And for me? What can I want now that Luis is gone?

Ready

November 29, 1984: I think I´m ready for a sexual experience. I wasn´t before this trip, but I am now. Totally ready.

Sleep

November 27, 1984: Here I am 28, and I still don´t know what sleeping with a man is. Haven´t done it yet. If it had been possible, I would have done it with Luis. Even one time, just once, would have been worth it because I really loved him. I probably still do.

Rent Again

November 24, 1984; Its ugly head has been raised and my Tia and I feel it´s a rollercoaster ride. We want to be out of this scraping for the extra 10% needed to cover next month´s rent.

Through

November 20, 1984: It´s an obstacle, I know, especially now that I´ve lost my job. But my Tia and I will get through the raise in the rent. I can take care of her.

Fired

November 19, 1984: Fired from the San Isidro teaching job without a word of explanation. This is a bad day. My Tia and I could have used the money.

Raise

November 19, 1984: I can´t believe that this has happened again. Feels like old times back in San Vicente. Our rent will be raised by 10% as of December. I´m afraid for my Tia. This can´t make her feel very secure.

No Shame

November 14, 1984: I can´t feel shame for what I felt for Luis. Making people understand that is quite a different matter, a very iffy thing. There´s a lot of prejudice attached to this that I am not skilled to handle. I don´t think a very sophisticated woman would be either.It´s hundreds of years old and forbidden love is so, so under the table. That´s why it´s called Forbidden Love, I guess.

Luis

November 15, 1984: How can I write about Luis? How can I explain that it´s not the fact that he´s a priest that made me love him? I don´t care about the Forbidden Fruit thing, never gave it a thought.

Teaching?

November 14, 1984: No, I don´t think I want to teach for the rest of my life. Doesn´t pay very much. What I want to do is write--write about my Tia, write about my feelings, the way I have changed because of this journey to Argentina.

Cherry

November 12, 1984: Always the cherry, the creme Chantilly, the great big exciting thing. Why must I be like this? I hate ordinary. I hate dull, always have. Always will.

Fault?

November 8, 1984: I should have caught it in time. I should have reminded my Tia about the doctor´s appt. Now she won´t take her medicine.

Confessing

November 6, 1984: Why did David get upset when I mentioned my love for Luis? It´s supposed to be in the past, isn´t it?

Distance

November 1, 1984: In a way, I´m glad I´m not in San Vicente anymore. No Luis for me to worry about. I could never hope to marry him, which is what I wanted. Never would have wanted anything else.

Honesty

October 30, 1984; I may tell David about Luis. I feel I need to. Not that Luis will come back or that I´ll see him again, but I feel that it´ll be better if David knows.He might have a secret of his own too.

Anorexia

October 29, 1984: I went through it, that horrible anorexia nervosa when I was 19, and I don´t want anybody to go through. It is so harmful. I remember not daring to eat and how my feet used to get swoleen. This is part of wanting to help people, I think. Part of that need I have.

Uphill

October 27, 1984: Late spring. Will I ever get anywhere with this teaching English thing? It doesn´´t pay very much so I´m not doing it for the money. More to get out of the house than anything else, but I will have to think money soon. My Tia is right. We should not be depending on my mother´s dollars.

Down

October 25, 1984: My Tia´s health is getting me down. Don´t know what else to do. We can´t afford a paid doctor and she won´t accept any more help from my mother.

Life

October 15, 1984: A life for myself--for my Tia and me--here. I do miss San Francisco, but here is where I am. Right here, right now.