Different Flags by Eugenia Renskoff

Different Flags, a book by Eugenia Renskoff, tells the story of 26-year-old Ani. Ani leaves her comfortable but stifling life in San Francisco to travel to Argentina to comfort her widowed Aunt Esther. Once back in her native country, Ani must face her unexpected feelings of love for Padre Luis, her aunt's young and handsome parish priest. Different Flags is a study of Ani's inner conflict.

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Location: New York, New York, United States

I am a writer, translator and teacher of Spanish and English to foreign students. I have been writing since I was six. I love to express myself through words. I have also traveled widely.

Monday, January 31, 2005

Years of Boredom

Too many years of boredom, of wanting to scream but not daring to, not quite daring to. And then I lived in quiet desperation. The longing was big, it was very big and it overwhelmed me. It took over my life.

Ani's Diary

October 8, 1982: I want to go. I want to make this trip. My family is against it, but that only makes me more determined to travel to Argentina and be with my aunt. She needs me and I need to go.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

The "Other" Tias

Later Ani looked for her Tia in all the wrong places. She befriended people she shouldn't have befriended. She searched high and low and found others, but the essence of her Tia wasn't in them, it couldn't have been.

Ani's Innocence

Ani was not a typical young woman, but perhaps she should have been. She didn't go out and she didn't party. Her days could have been more fulfilled than they actually were. Her life could have been better. There was an air of innocece about her, an air of naivete that was quite touching. She didn't know she was naive. In fact, she thought that all her book reading had made her wise beyond her years.

Nobody

Nobody can take from you what you don't want them to take. Nobody can give what you can't give yourself.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Out of the house!

On cold days like this one, it's still out of the house for me. No sense staying home. I prefer going out and look at art, people, whatever catches my fancy.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Which one?

What would you want? Would you want a lover to bring out the hidden parts of you? Would you want someone who shared some of your interests, but towards whom you felt no physical attraction? Which would you prefer? What if there was a lot of money involved, if the person could fulfill your every whim and fantasy, buy you anything and everything?

Unwanted Dogs

There shouldn't be such a thing as unwanted and/or abandoned dogs. They want a home, someone to belong to and they often find themselves in pounds, waiting to be disposed of. Dogs get scared and depressed when they face situations that overwhelm them. In that they're very similar to people. They talk with their eyes in such a way that me of actors in silent movies.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Auschwitz: 60 Years Ago

I feel very, very sorry that millions of people were murdered by Hitler and his ""helpers". I feel that nobody has the right to do that for whatever reason. The concentration camps never should have happened. We all have a right to be what and who we are.

Off My Chest!

There are so many, many things that I need to get off my chest! There are things that I have to let out, that I have to bring out. And there is no time--not enough time.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

My New Column

I have an announcement to make. I will be writing a column for a site called ArgentinosenUSA. com. I'll start with an advice colummn and then will do an occasional column about books--how to write, what to write about. Feel free to ask me questions in English or Spanish.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

La Valija

La valija. Es estar siempre con la valija colgada de la mano, siempre esperando, siempre anhelando un hogar que nunca va a aparecer.

My Way

It's different and it's not for everybody. It's not exactly eccentric or bad--it's just the way I do things. Whatever it is has to have my stamp on it. It's got to say Me.

Monday, January 24, 2005

The Motorcycle Diaries

Yesterday afternoon I was finally able to see a movie I had heard a lot about. The Motorcycle Diaries describes the journey of self-discovery of Ernesto "Che" Guevara and his best friend in the 1950s. Ernesto is a medical student and the friend is a biochemist. The performances of Gael Gracia Bernal and Rodrigo de la Serna are excellent. Garcia Bernal (Ernesto) sounds Argentine, though he was actually born in Mexico. He captures "Che" Guevara's sensitivity and idealism. De la Serna offers strong support and makes a good travel sidekick. I particularly enjoyed the beauty of the scenery in South America. Buenos Aires is a city I know very well. I have been to Bariloche and have a friend who often vacations in Miramar, a popular summer destination. Peru, Chile and Colombia also look fantastic in this movie. Ernesto Guevara is changed forever because of what he sees on this trip. There is human suffering that he can do nothing about and there are injustices that he wishes weren't there. The Motorcycle Diaries is not a big audience movie, but it should be because its themes are universal. And it's a movie for people who want to know more about South America and el "Che". The continent is not well known or understood and that's a pity. It has a lot to offer and teach on many levels. One of the most touching scenes is the one where Ernesto is reading a letter he has received from the girl he has recently visited in Miramar. Without the use of dialog we are shown his heartbreak and disappoinment. He cares deeply and makes us care with him. Another memorable scene is the one in which he tries to lessen a dying old lady's pain by giving her some pills. Ernesto must have had the compassion of a first rate doctor.

Argentina

The country is still a mystery to most of the world. Its culture and people are not what you would expect. Buenos Aires is a beautiful and vibrant city, with a neighborhood feel to it. Worth visiting.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Will I ever?

I don't know if I will ever see my dog again. I don't know if I will ever see for myself how he is. The circumstances that led to the decision to be away from him are very complicatd. It's a very long story, but one thing is certain: I will always love my German Shepherd and think about him. That will never, it can't, change.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Today

Today is the beginning. There is no other time to do what needs to be done, rapidly and without any fear. No need to wait--because if we do, the opportunity will be gone.

Friday, January 21, 2005

So much to tell

I have so many things to say, so much in my heart and soul to bring out into the open! And there's so little time, not enough time because all the words want to come all at once. They are valid documents, important pieces of my life and they need room, a valid space all to themselves.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Inheritance

Having things that you are not ready for is a recipe for trouble. Not having what you need is just as bad. Only time and experiences teach the value of things, how to take care of yourself and your belongings. Too bad those experiences sometimes come a little too late.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Snow

It is snowing outside my window. The flakes are coming down hard and fast. This weather reminds me of other times, when I could go about and look at the people on the street wanting to escape it. I also think of children playing happily and having the greatest time of their lives.

A Thorny Subject

Priestly Celibacy is a thorny and sometimes unwelcome subject. It is something that many people would rather not talk about. I have seen what it does. I have seen the suffering and its aftermath. What's wrong with the idea of a minister of God having a wife and kids? What's wrong with people being free to live the personal life they want to live?

Not having words

There are no words that could express how I feel today, when it's snowing outside. The wind hits my fac with a vengeance and I hide in any building I can find.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Expressions

Art and feelings express who I am. Beauty for the eyes and the soul tell the story of the real me. That's what life is (should be) all about.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Frustration

When you don't get what you want and need, that's when you feel bad. Nobody wants to to experience it, but it's a part of life. The trick is not to let it go on too much. How to achieve that can be hard. Relax, take a very deep breath and let it go.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Coming to America

The working title of my third novel will be Coming to America in the 60s. The 60s were a time of innocence and pain and everything else. This particular story needs to be told.

Feelings

What you feel is what you know. What you feel is real and must not be denied. Denial is like being in a soap opera, some sort of melodrama, where your bad moments are prolonged.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

My new book

I'll be writing a novel about my experiences as an immigrant from South America.The title is still unknown.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Having

To have and not to have at the same time. To feel contradictions in your life and live them all the time. Forever.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

A place

A place where dreams seemed to come true, a place where magical and unexpected things were happening. No, it wasn't Shangri-La. It was better.

Hardest

Letting go is the hardest thing of all. Whether it's a person, a place, anything we love dearly, we don't want to leave it. Holding on is what we want to do for as long as possible. We want to live the dream a while longer.

Now

Now is the time. Not tomorrow, not next day, not years from now. The time to reach your dreams--my dreams--is now. Today. We can't wait any longer. Life is rushing us every single minute.

Forbidden Love

There are few things that are as misunderstood as Forbidden Love. People think that it's just the lure of the something you can't have. Or that you have nothing better to do with your time. But it's not always so. Sometimes we fall in love with a person, and that's that. Even if there are important obstacles in the way, we still care about them. I'm not saying that Forbidden Love is not dangerous--it is very dangerous as well as time consuming. I think that loving is what counts. Loving deeply and with all your being.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

20 years

Tomorrow it will be 20 years. The twentieth anniversary of an event that changed my life (and his). Words weren't said that should have been said. We just didn't have the courage then and later it was too late.

Cafe con leche

In Argentina people drink a lot of coffee. A popular drink is cafe con leche. Cafe con leche is a little bit of coffee with a lot of milk. You make the coffee the regular way and then you mix it with steaming milk. The color is a very light brown. Even children drink cafe con leche. Mothers prepare cafe con leche for their kids before they go to school. When they're ready to do their homework, they have another cup of cafe con leche with a factura or two. Facturas are great tasting Argentine pastries.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

What Ani Wants

Ani is a loving and naive young woman. She cares about her Tia Esther very much, and she cares about herself, her own future. Ani wants to love and be loved. She enjoys feeling emotionally connected to people. She wants to help those who need help. Ani is caught between two cultures--The U .S. and Argentina--and she can't make up her mind. She knows which she would choose, but the choice frightens her. For the first time in her life, Ani is faced with real life and it overwhelms her. She falls in love with Padre Luis much against her will. The Forbidden part doesn't attract her. She just likes him.

The Hectic City

The hectic city has incredible energy. It pushes us towards something. We want to go where it's going. We want it to be our home, our only home.

Characters

The reader must care about a character, especially the main one. The reader has to want to know what will happen to the protagonist, he or she must be eager for the story to have a happy ending. All that matters is the protagonist's fate, what will happen to her, how the story will turn out for her. Will she solve her dilemma? Will she get where she wants to go?The protagonist doesn't have to be perfect. In fact, a few flaws make her more real, more loveable. We want her to win because she's like us and not us at the same time. She could be us if we were the heroine of the novel.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Cannot Sleep

I cannot sleep. Something bigger, something profound is keeping me up at night. It's a disease, it's a distressing thing with a life that belongs to It, not me.

Waiting

Some things can't be made to wait. They have a life of their own and there's nothing that anybody can do about that. Their energy is so strong that it pushes everything forward.

Traces of the old me

I have changed a lot and recognizing myself isn't easy. This is a different person, another person and she lives in my body.

Art

I love artists like Matisse, Dufy, Monet, Kandinsky, Klee, Rembrandt, Velasquez. Picasso was an acquired taste. I had a hard time liking him, but once I did, I wanted to look at most of his creations. Bright colors pick me up emotionally. The style is not important.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Right/wrong

Am I wrong to want things to come out the way I want them to? Am I wrong to want my life to be the way that will satisfy me, the person living it day in, day out?

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Mercedes Benz Colectivos

Buenos Aires has Mercedes Benz colectivos. They carry people of all ages and walks of life anywhere they want to go. The colectivos are not large, but they're comfortable to ride, cheap and clean. Sometimes they make sudden stops, but they offer a glimpse of the city and its residents. Colectivos are painted different colors. One line, for instance #59, is painted green, while another yellow or red or a combination of several colors.

Monster Problem

There is a monster problem and it has taken over everything. It's there, and it's not going to go away. Not unless I take charge. Not unless I act in my own best interest.

Something

Something in me must change. Something I think is good could be bad. A virtue could be something I need to discard. It will not help me solve the problem.

My Favorite Cat

He's a gray cat, about 2 years old. He's fun and a good companion. When we play, we use a stick with some feathers hanging from it. I move it up and down and he tries to catch the feathers.

Dream Monk

There once was a monk. He wore a long, dark brown robe. The monk's hood almost covered his entire face. He stood in the middle of a patio and the long yellow rope around his waist felt a little tight. The monk was young, too young to be where he was.

Silence

I don't want silence. I want to be able to express myself with words. I need to say how I feel and why. I need to say what other people feel and just write. Keep writing, keep making up stories.

My Rubio

There is no other dog for me. There is only my German Shepherd and his name is Rubio. I have just heard that he is behaving well. He got his annual shots yesterday. I want to rush over there to see him, to be with him again.

Life in Buenos Aires

Buenos Aires is a fast city. It's rush, rush---go here, go there, go everywhere. You better do it fast, else it can't be done. There are street scenes everywhere in the city. People standing in the middle of the sidewalk talking to their friends. Buenos Aires has all different types of architectural styles. Some buildings are Old World, some are Swiss-style houses and chalets, some Art Deco like still remain. There are expensive high-rise apt buildings in neighborhoods like Belgrano and Recoleta. And there are coffee shops, called confiterias, where you can get a cafe con leche and spend all afternoon drinking it while you talk with a friend.

Better Days

Better days might be coming! At last, I'll be able to see and palm trees and some nice things.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Recurrent Dreams

My recurrent dreams tell their own mysterious story. They speak to me softly, always when I don't have a chance to fight back, to deny their truth. My recurrent dreams are dear to me. When they finally help me solve the puzzle of their existence, I will miss them.

Coping

Who can understand what coping is? Who, besides the person doing the coping, knows what it's all about, what the problem is?

Critical Times

Critical times sometimes bring blessings in disguise. They might even have the solution to the problem in there, somewhere. Sometimes the blessings and the solutions are just about impossible to see.

Travel

A suitcase, always a suitcase. A suitcase and airports. It's as if there would never be anything else.

Being a Creator

There are advantages to being a creator. You see something new, something that you yourself have made come to life. You own it, it's yours and nobody can take it away from you. There must have been a good reason why you choose to create what you did. Your inspiration could have been a life experience, a piece of conversation overhead on the street, even a dream. It doesn't matter what it was. Whether you are criticized or not (and you probably will be) is not important. What matters is that you choose to be different, you choose to make something out of nothing.

Buenos Aires in the summer

Buenos Aires in the summer is very hot. The summer heat begins in November or December, and the temperatures in the months of January and February often reach 100 degrees Fahrenheit. The humidity on top of the heat turns Buenos Aires into an oven. Lots of people manage to get away from the hot city to popular resorts like Mar del Plata, Necochea, Miramar and Pinamar. Long distance busses are usually full and trains to these destinations are sold out weeks in advance. Short term rental prices go way up and eating a simple restaurant meal can be prohibitive.

Buenos Aires is Hot!

Buenos Aires is hot this time of year! The temperature is over 90 degrees Fahrenheit and all people want to do is just a swimming pool. January and February are summer vacations months, the months when the hot vacation spots, like Mar del Plata, Pinamar, Miramar are filled with tourists.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Personality Changes

Personality changes are good and they are bad. When there is too much stress, too much baggage going on, that's not a good thing. When the seeker of truth searches and doesn't find, he or she feels lost. It's always better to make the effort and be yourself. It's the only way to live.

Luggage recovered!

The lost luggage has finally been recovered! Yesterday I found it where I least expected it. It was all laid out before me, my beautiful winter coat, my sweaters. my books and my colored pencils. Once again, it belongs to me.

You don't know

You don't know what it's like to have to go back. You don't know what it's like for the effort to have been for nothing. They don't like her there and they never will. And it will be harder now than it was before.It's like asking oneself: What did I accomplish? If I wanted to accomplish something, where are the rewards? What was the lesson learned? It didn't teach her what she wanted to know.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Isn't there another way?

Isn't there another way? Does it always have to be what I don't want to do? Does it have to be more of the same, the same old, the same everything I don't want or need? What is the alterntive? How can I find it?

Surreal Zone

This is not happening, this can't possibly be happening. I'll wake up and it won't be real. It'll be a nightmare, a long, hard nightmare that has lasted over two and a half years. This new person is not me. She's a stranger, an impostor that I don't wish to know.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Postponing

Postponing things, putting them off, sweeping them under the carpet. We are not acting like cowards; we just don't want to face what we dislike, and yet we have to. At some point, we'll have to face the not so nice music.

Buenos Aires

Buenos Aires sizzles! Buenos Aires has many neighborhoods, all different from one another. Some, like Recoleta, are elegant and refined, very much like New York's Upper East Side. Others, like Belgrano, are upscale and more modern. Colegiales is where the large cemetery of La Chacarita is located. Buenos Aires is full of street scenes, with people talking with their friends and neighbors just about anywhere. It's a city full of outdoor coffee shops, a city with great public transportation. Buenos Aires never, ever sleeps.

Celibacy

Today had a dream about priestly celibacy. People were in a room discussing it, going over everything important about this subject. Will people's feelings ever count? Will people's individual stories ever matter enough for the Church to change its ruling? There are more women like Ani in Different Flags, women who've loved a priest. It's an experience that you can't forget. Wherever you go it stays with you for the rest of your life.

Where to now?

Where to now? What's the next thing to do? The next city? Doing the same, the tried and true over and over again certainly hasn't helped. It's done nothing for me, for my life. I feel like a piece of luggage, like a suitcase left behind at the airport.

From the heart

Maybe writing from the heart is not enough. Maybe there has to be more, another something to connect with your reader. What could that be? You tell me.

Ambivalance

Not knowing which way to go, what step to take, when to do something--I think there are few things as painful as these feelings.To know in your head that you've done everything you possibly could and yet the pain and inner torment are still the same. And the days go on and another year goes by.

The Disco Fire in Buenos Aires

To the parents. friends and relatives of the disco fire that killed so many people in Buenos Aires last week, my deepest condolences. I know the Once neighborhood well and I understand the suffering of the people left behind.

Monday, January 03, 2005

Denial

Denial hurts as it teaches us. Denial is based on fear. And denial comes because what hurts us is so deep, so bad that we want to block it out, pretend we're drinking it away.

How to live

How to live without worries that keep me awake at night. How to be somebody with a future, a real future. How to be someone with a life that's all hers, a life that belongs to no one else. This is the wish for myself today.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

My Dog Rubio

I miss my dog very much. There are times during the day when I try not to think about him, but I do anyway. I wish I could see him now, I wish I could be with him. It's been almost 2 long years and I wonder if I'll ever see him again. The bond's there and it can't be broken. So many things (most of them negative) have hapened since February 2002. That was the last time I saw him, way down in Buenos Aires. I keep telling myself this separation will end soon, but I don't know. I want to believe that he's well taken care of. I want to know that for myself, with my own eyes.

My Ideal Reader

I imagine my ideal reader to be a woman. Her age is not really important. I think she could be anywhere from 18 to 80 years old. I see her reading my novel Different Flags and these blog entries and I am touched to discover that she can relate to Ani, the young protagonist of DF. My ideal reader can put herself in Ani's shoes, get under Ani's skin, spend a few days with her in California. She can feel the frustration that Ani must have felt before she took that all important trip to Argentina. She can feel Ani's feelings once she got to Buenos Aires and found out more problems there, problems that she wasn't sure she'd be able to resolve. My reader knows (maybe because it could also have happened to her) what a first adult love is all about. She can love Padre Luis as deeply as Ani herself loved him. She can discover that love in a foreign country, in a different culture. My reader must want to be educated about the habits of the Argentine people. She can get a sense of what it must be like to live in Buenos Aires for a year or two and not know if she'll ever belong there again. The questions she would ask are the same questions any one of us would ask if we suddenly found ourselves in a new place and we didn't have a visible map to guide us. She, like Ani, can understand that things are indeed done differently in Argentina but not as differently as people think. My reader can be an expatriate, someone displaced and not belonging anywhere anymore. My reader could also be a man, a man who has traveled around Latin America, or simply a man with interest in the history and culture of that part of the world. My reader can be you.

Irony

There is a sense of irony in asking someone who has less than I do for help. There is a sense of irony in needing something from someone who doesn't have the experiences I've had had, someone I myself could have helped not too long ago. And yet all of us need the light bulb ( a fresh and different light bulb) to be turned on. We need fresh ideas and those ideas might come from anybody living anywhere on this planet.

I don' t want to

What does I don't want to do it say about the decision that must be taken soon, probably this coming week? I don't want to and yet I'll have to. Like other times, it seems that I'll have no choice, not a good one anyway. Sometimes I think that something is indeed breaking down and falling apart (just like an old car) but I don't see the new model anywhere. This new unwanted decision will harm me. I don't want to take it. I wish I didn't have to say :Yes, I'll do it.
I care what happens to me. For the first time in ages, I care. That's why I only want good things from now on and this decision isn't a good one. It's not really in my best interests. The decision is similar to the "I've been there, done that" decisions of the past. This is now. Before must go and never come back.

Distractions

I'm in need of distractions, plenty of them. One of my favorites is Lucy. I love watching the I Love Lucy show on TVLand. It's one of the few things that make me laugh. Then there's The Nanny and Upstairs, Downstairs. I love stories that tell about real people in real situations, stories that show people with virtues and faults. I enjoy writing about feelings and why a certain character does what she does. The past has its attraction as well. Why did somrbody in the 30s, 40s or another decade do this or that? Why has someone changed for the better or for the worse? What makes me care about their fate? How is she like me or not like me at all?

Saturday, January 01, 2005

New York

I miss New York and its energy. I miss being there, walking the streets of Manhattan, seeing seas of people everywhere. I would rather live there than anywhere else. When I'm not in New York I feel like I've been exiled to a faraway foreign land.

The Wrong Thing!

I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing, pressing the wrong button. I'm afraid of making things not better, but worse. I want and need better and my timing isn't always right.

Ani Once Upon a Time

Ani was a young woman who lived in a cold climate. She saw grey skies almost every day of her life and she didn't like them. Her legs were always cold and blue. She shivered most of the time. Ani wanted to live and experience other things. She wanted to get out and be free.She wanted to fall in love deeply and forever. Ani had few practical life skills, but she had dreams and ambition. There were few things that she knew about real life. Because of this, when real life came to her, Ani had a hard time adjusting and discovering what was what. In many ways she was like a little girl lost in a forest with only her wits to guide her. People with more life experience didn't tell her anything, not anything that she could use.

Successful Me

Successful me is a woman others respect and admire. Successful me is a person who's not afraid of her real self, a person who is understanding and compassionate. She is also able to be herself and she can overcome obstacles, most obstacles anyway. This woman dreams big and is not afraid to say so. She is there to keep on struggling and because she's real, she's not afraid. This woman can go out into the world confident that things will work out for her.

Into my own hands

To take matters into my own hands, to solve a problem that needs solving. To just quit going around not doing what sorely needs to be done. To just say: I want to be done with this because it's bothering me and if I don't do something about it it's going to get worse. That's my New Year's resolution.

A Continuing Story

This week I will begin a new kind of blog, new at least to me. I will be telling a story with a begining, a middle and and end. I will look forward to your feedback.

A new Beginning

Today is a new beginning, a day when things will begin to look up and life will take a hopeful color. Today is a day to remember because our conflicts will be on their way to getting resolved.