Going

July 20, 1983: It´s official! I´m going back to San Francisco for my father´s surgery in 3 weeks. I want to be there, but I´m afraid I´ll never see Luis again. How will I tell him? I never loved any one in a romantic way and I don´t want to lose him.No, i know I don´t have him, but I do have my love for him.
What draws me to the Al Pacino look, anyway? What is it about him that I find so appealing,in him and in other men who look like him?

Back

July 18, 1983: It looks like I´ll be going back to San Francisco. My father just isn´t getting any better. What will hapen to my Tia? Will she be a casualty of this situation?
Before I leave, I may tell Luis how I feel about him, may never see him again. He needs to know and I need to let all this love out, in words at least.

My Parents

July 15, 1983: My parents don´t have a happy marriage. Here in Argentina I think about how long they´ve been together and why. When I have my own husband, I want us to love each other.

Preparation

July 12, 1983: Will I leave My tia, Luis and San vicente? Will I need to pack my bags and head off to San Francisco? I don´t want my father to be ill, I don´t want to be here and not know what exactly is going on--but I want to stay on in this place. I guess I´m human. Great discovery.

My Father

July 10, 1983: We got a long distance call last night after dinner. The news isn´t good. My father isn´t doing well. He´s lost a lot of weight, he hardly has any energy to do anything. My sister says that his doctor suggested surgery. Why and what kind of surgery? Nobody knows yet.

That name, indeed!

July 6, 1983: The name Luis is everywhere, but I can´t pronounce it. I can´t say it out loud. It´s as if I were forbidding it, as if I were denying that it exists. Is it because it´s too dangerous, too risky? Does this happen to other women?

Nervous

July 6, 1983: I´m trying (yet again) to convince my Tia not to be desperate about our situation. It´s just the two of us, and we are not going to get help from anybody here. That´s the trouble. People are well meaning, but they have their own concerns. Most of the time, that´s not us.
Luis. That name again! It follows me everywhere, I see it wherever I look, wherever I go.

Begging

July 1, 1983: I´ve got to get a job, something, right away. My Tia says she´ll beg anywhere, from anybody. She´s nervous and yesterday she dropped one of her favorite English china plates. This shouldn´t be happening to her, shouldn´t be happening to her at all, not at her age. Call my mother or sister collect? They´re in the U.S., not here.

Feelings

June 30, 1983: Feelings aren´t always right. My Tia, for instance, feels that my mother has good intentions, but is not really helping her with her offer to buy a house. My Tia, I know, doesn´t want to feel dependent or needy--at least not too dependent or needy.

Forever?

June 27, 1983: Is this feeling something that will last forever, or is it a temporary thing? For me it´s Luis, Luis, Luis--all the time, any time. If it makes me happy, if my day is not grey because I just happen to see him, what´s the harm?
No change in my Tia´s situation.

Solutions?

June 25, 1983: Our neighbors have been given us some options, more or less. Do we have anything to sell? No, my Tia has her 1940s furniture and I my books. We wouldn´t get much and advertising in a newspaper is expensive. Then, there´s Caritas, or Catholic charities. But, they give out food, and what we need is money. Until my mother´s check arrives and I get a job, what?

Trouble!

June 22, 1983: Our money has just about ran out. The pension (meager as it is) that my Tia gets through my uncle is gone and my mother´s check won´t be arriving till next week. In the meantime, we need cash to pay for such unimportant things like food and get rid of the light and phone bills. I won´t get a job right away. What to do?

Not good

June 20, 1983: I am on the reciving end of not good news. My mother called last night and told me (but not my Tia) that my father isn´t doing well health wise. He´s been feeling weak and he doesn´t enjoy the things he used to anymore. Fishing, which was one of his passions, has become a thing of the past.

Stalled

June 14, 1983: The possibilities of my Tia going to the U.S. are nil, nursing homes are out of the question and the house project will be difficult to carry out because of the legalities involved? Where does this leave us? Nowhere. That´s why I´m getting a job. An extra income will make her (I hope) feel more secure.

Insights

June 9, 1983: I´m amazed when people mention my accent. Accent? What accent? But, according to them, I do have one. It´s either British or very American. It´s as if I had not even been born here, as if I were some kind of foreigner just off the boat.

Luis

June 6, 1983: I know there is almost no hope of getting Luis´s love. Stil, I keep hoping, loud and clear inside myself.

Another nursing home

June 4, 1983: I don´t think a nursing, any nursing home, can solve my Tia´s problem. I know she feels rootless and very vulnerable because of the housing thing, but living in one of them is not the answer. Still, if she wants to go visit another one, how can I say no? It´s just a visit, anyway.

Sin

June 1,1983: Why would what I feel for Luis be considered a sin? And, if he felt the same for me, why would that make him an outcast, at least for a long while?
Tonight I overheard a conversation just before Mass where a woman was talking to another about a priest who had left the Church for a woman.Pecador! she called him and she was a slut or close to it! Beautiful, that´s how I would describe my love for Luis. Beautiful because it´s so unexpected and such a gift!

Surprise Visit

May 30, 1983: I´ve known Elena all my life. She´s my uncle´s niece, his sister´s eldest daughter. They--that includes her--stopped calling after his funeral. Now she decided to visit us. It was after 5 when we were about to have our te con leche. More than anything else, she asked all about my life in Norte America, or Estados Unidos. That took up most of our conversation. What about my Tia? She needs her. Maybe I´m grasping at straws and anything would help. Can´t stop wondering how my Tia will manage, how we´ll manage with the housing and everything else.

Looks

May 28, 1983: I think I still prefer the soulful Al Pacino look in a man, the look that makes me want more and won´t leave me alone. Luis reminds me more than a little of Al. I noticed that the first time I saw him.

No go

May 26, 1983: The small apts. we´re looking at are either too expensive or too out of the way. We´ve only just started, but it´s not very encouraging. Not a nursing home! I don´t want my Tia to end up going into one.
Options? Do we really have any?

Another Try

May 24, 1983: The attitude towards the U.S. here is strictly bad and will exist as long as America is the most powerful country in the world. That´s why I don´t want to use my mother´s dollars. The cause is a good one (buying my Tia a house so she can feel safe), bu I´m not totally convinced. We´ll be looking at some small places, anyway. She´s looking more and more pooped, like she doesn´t care anymore.

Forgetting

May 23, 1983: When this is all over, will I still remember Luis? When this is no more and I´m far away, will he remember me? Sounds funny because we don´t know each other very well yet, but I wonder. Who and what will be the new Ani a year from now? What will she feel then?

Seeing

May 21, 1983: I´ve become aware of the fact (why so formal in my own diary?) that I´m ignorant about many things. For a woman of almost 27, there´s a lot that I don´t know. In some areas I´m just like a child, a little kid.

Regrets

May 20, 1983: ´´You are like a daughter to me, Ani,´´ My Tia said to me this afternoon. ´´Your Tio always wanted to adopt, but I did not.´´
My mother had told me that my uncle wanted to go to an orphanage and fill out ab application. I was curious to know why she always refused.
´´I did not want them to take the baby back.´´
´´But a son or daughter would be great company for you now, Tia.´´
´´We did not fo it, Ani. Now it is too late for regrets.´´

Our neighbor

May 19, 1983: We got invited by our neighbor to have te con leche. It´s just like in England,at 5 o´clock, except maybe not as fancy. Doña Teresa wanted to know all about our Embassy ventures and how much progress we´d made. Her concern was helpful because she really cares, but what could I say? I feel like a dummy for not being able to solve my Tia´s problem. I try hard, but it´s still up in the air.
Still, being with Doña Teresa was good for both of us. Her house is full of genuine antiques and beautiful plants and we were distracted for over an hour or more.

Not Explaining

M;ay 17, 1983. How can I tell my Tia how I feel about Luis? At this point, it´s not just sex anymore. At first I thought it was, but now I know that it´s deeper than that. I love him. I love being near him, discovering new things about him. But my Tia has never liked talking about sex and love. These things were just not discussed when she was a young woman. More important subjects having enough money to pay the rent, the utilities and, last but not least, buying food.
Writing it all down is not enough for me. Not anymore. I need someone,a real human being, to confide in.

Jealousy

May 13, 1983:A woman came to see Luis this afternoon. She was blonde, well dressed and spoke with a great porteño accent (the Buenos Aires version of a NYC accent). I dress in darkish colors, more or less like a nun. When she kissed him on the cheeks, I pretended to be busy looking through the new donations. Who was she to kiss him like that? I wanted to be the one to do that. I wanted to be her.

New Obstacle

May 8, 1983: The employee at the American Embassy told me in private (went to see her yesterday) that it´ll be 5 years before my Tia can enter the U.S. and stay there permanently. 5 Long years! If she does get a tourist visa, she´ll need to leave after 3 months and then come back here to Argentina. Come back where? The apt. will be gone, occupied by someone else.
How can I pòssibly tell her? I´d rather wait because it´d be too cruel. Either way it´s just not fair.

Alone

May 4, 1983: This must be the loneliest time of my Tia´s life. I know it´s an obvious thing for me to say, but it must be said. In spite of everything we´re doing (my being with her and my mother´s offer of financial aid) her world can never be the same. And she wants the old world, not this new and uncertain one.

Startled!

May 3, 1983: I touched Luis! Didn´t mean to, but there we were, in the little office by ourselves, and since I had to get the appointment book, I used that as an excuse. What I felt was like an electric shot, like I was a TV set and he had just turned me on.

New Beginning?

May 1, 1983: My Tia seems to be happier, less worried these days. She doesn´t mention my uncle as often as she used to, which leads me to believe that her period of mourning might be almost over. In a way, I´m glad. She´s been through a lot, not only now but when she was a young married woman. My Tia was the practical one, while my Uncle Juan was the non-conformist, the bohemian. I remember my mother telling me that my Tia had to become the head of the household for a while.
I loved my uncle, but I would want my husband and me to have an equal relationship.A 50-50 sort of thing.