Anorexia Nervosa

February 15, 1983: Today I told my Tia about my anorexia nervosa when I was 19. I didn´t tell her so that she wouldn´t be angry at me anymore, but my confidence helped her understand me more. She hugged me and touched my arms and hands. A nice moment between us.

Anorexia nervosa

February 15, 1983: Today my Tia and I talked in the kitchen (my favorite room in the house). I told her about my anorexia nervosa when I was 19. I didn´t mean to confide in her so she wouln´t be angry at me anymore, but it helped her to understand me more. I remember how swollen my ankles were when I wouldn´t eat. My life wasn´t good then and I didn´t like the greyness of San Francisco.

Anorexia nervosa

February 15, 1983: today my Tia and I talked in the kitchen (my favorite room in the house). I told her about my anorexia nervosa when I was 19. She didn´t know anything about it (possibly because of the great distance between the U.S. and Argentina). I didn´t mean to tell her about it so she wouldn´t be angry at me anymore, but my telling her about that part of my life helped her to understand me. She touched my arms and hands and then she hugged me. I remember how swollen my ankles would get when i wouldn´t eat. I didn´t like my life then. I didn´t like the greyness, the eternal greyness, of San Francisco, either. >Much as I love the city, the greyness always had a bad effect on me.

Trouble!

Fewbruary 14, 1983: Somehow my Tia found out about my looking for apts and now she´s mad! I know she´d rather stay in San Vicente, but we can´t. I´ll think of another way to find us a home. God knows we need one badly.
In the meantime, I´m thinking of Padre Luis as just plain Luis and I want to know all I can about him. Absolutely everything.

Freedom!

February 12, 1983: I love to feel free! I love to walk with my Tia all over San Vicente and San Tomas and to just be independent, on my own! It´s like discovering a new world.

Apt. Hunting

February 11, 1983: I´ve decided to go with Teresa, our neighbor, to a realk estate company and ask about apts. for my Tia and me. It´s about time one of us started looking seriously. She´ll miss the neighborhood terribly, and I´ll miss Padre Luis, but we can´t stay here much longer.
I like the fact that for the first time in I don´t know how long, I feel that I belong somewhere. I say our neighborhood, our food, our something and it feels great!

Now What?

February 9, 1983: i am full of questions. Now that Matilde wants more dollars, what weill we do? Even for my Tia´s sake, it´s not right. I hate giving in to this greedy woman. What´s our other option then?
My suster might call from San Francisco this weekend. Should I mention Padre Luis? What would she say if she knew the way I feel about him? Would she understand?
Wish I had someone to get this off my chest here.I have never been in this situation before and I have to tell somebody or I´ll explode!

I sing!

February 7, 1983: All I know is that when I´m near Padre Luis I´m happy, so happy! And I feel like singing! Then I want to run and jump for joy!

Love

February 7, 1983: I wish I knew what love really is. I know that I like it very much when my Tia asks me a lot of questions after I come back from an errand. I feel that she cares. Then we talk about feelings (though, of course, I can´t mewntion mine for Padre Luis.) But it´s a beginning and a release, too. Back in San Francisco, i had no opportunity to talk with anybody about my feelings about anything. That´s why I wrote so much. My journal was my helper. With it, i could actually be me.

Matilde

February 5, 1983: The sun was hot and the day was humid, but in the afternoon we went to see Matilde. My Tia had to cover her head with a big black umbrella all the way to that woman´s house.
We didn´t have to stay on the sidewalk long and thank God (or something like it) that her gossip was lightweight. But the answer was still the same as it always was: more money, which translates into more dollars from my mother. I don´t want her to be taken advantage of. My mother, just like my Tia, has had to work hard for her money and this Matilde is just a greedy and mean person.
I´ll ask my Tia to speak with Padre Luis. I can´t speak with him myself because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I´ll be as shy as ever. I get very sensitive and nervous around him.

Improvements!

February 3, 1983: I see improvemnts in my situation and in my Tia´s I feel that I can grow up as a woman and help her at the same time. Our new meeting with Matilde will be an ordeal but we´ll prepare ourselves for it, one way or another.

Improvements!

February 2, 1983: I see improvements in my situation. I see improvements in the way I feel. How could I have lived the way I did before?How could I have gone the way I did? Now I see that I can grow up as a woman and help her at the same time.
Our new meeting with Matilde. We have to prepare ourselves for that. I don´t know how but we´ll prepare ourselves for that ordeal.

Improvements!

February 2, 1983: I see improvements in my situation. I see improvements in the way I feel. How could I have lived the way I did before?How could I have gone the way I did? Now I see that I can grow up as a woman and help her at the same time.
Our new meeting with Matilde. We have to prepare ourselves for that. I don´t know how but we´ll prepare ourselves for that ordeal.

Improvements!

February 2, 1983: I see improvements in my situation. I see improvements in the way I feel. How could I have lived the way I did before?How could I have gone the way I did? Now I see that I can grow up as a woman and help her at the same time.
Our new meeting with Matilde. We have to prepare ourselves for that. I don´t know how but we´ll prepare ourselves for that ordeal.

Improvements!

February 2, 1983: I see improvements in my situation. I see improvements in the way I feel. How could I have lived the way I did before?How could I have gone the way I did? Now I see that I can grow up as a woman and help her at the same time.
Our new meeting with Matilde. We have to prepare ourselves for that. I don´t know how but we´ll prepare ourselves for that ordeal.

Improvements!

February 2, 1983: I see improvements in my situation. I see improvements in the way I feel. How could I have lived the way I did before?How could I have gone the way I did? Now I see that I can grow up as a woman and help her at the same time.
Our new meeting with Matilde. We have to prepare ourselves for that. I don´t know how but we´ll prepare ourselves for that ordeal.

Improvements!

February 2, 1983: I see improvements in my situation. I see improvements in the way I feel. How could I have lived the way I did before?How could I have gone the way I did? Now I see that I can grow up as a woman and help her at the same time.
Our new meeting with Matilde. We have to prepare ourselves for that. I don´t know how but we´ll prepare ourselves for that ordeal.

Project Getaway!

January 30, 1983: I think this trip to Argentina sometimes feels like a way to be away from my life in San Francisco. Sometimes (quite often) i think about my Tia and I know she wouldn't want to leave her neighborhood and everything it means to her. that'd be a big burden for her to be carrying around.

Myself!

Jnuary 29, 1983: Yes, I'm discovering that being my self is best.Don't know the stranger in me yet (not totally) but i'm trying hard to discover her, the stranger in me.

Fiction

January 27, 1983: Fiction, as in classic fiction, is one of my favorite forms of therapy. I'll need that now because my Tia and I are not going to have anything be easy for us. Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen will distract me a little. I have read and re read that book dozens of times and can never tire of it. Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy are two of my favorite characters. I need to have something good to hold on to while all these changes in my aunt's life (and my own) are going on.

Uncertainty

January 24, 1983: I feel such uncertainty here, a lot more than the uncertainty I felt when we first moved to the U.S. It was about housing then (we'd be moving once every two months or so) and it's about housing now. My Tia must feel it so much more than I did back then at 11.
I feel uncertain about myself as a person, too. One of my favorite places is the parish church of San Vicente and I know why. Padre Luis is the main attraction there. It doesn't sound good, but that's what it is. that's what he is: the main attraction.

I Don't Know

January 22, 1983: I don't know. There are so many things that I have no knowledge of that sometimes I'm scared! What will happen to my Tia? What will happen to me? My Tia never harmed anybody in her life and now this has happened to her. This hard thing has come to make her life more difficult. She didn't need to be evicted after my uncle died of cancer.
I know so little about men, about life.Reading books is one thing but dealing with something in real life is quite another. It's a lot more difficult.

Que va a ser de ella?

January 24, 1983: Sometimes I think in Spanish. Didn't use to before this trip. But when I think about my Tia, for instance, I say: que va a ser de ella? What will become of her? She gets that nervous, tense look. I catch her when she thinks I'm not looking and it makes me sad. A lot too handle for one person.

Defeat?

January 23, 1983: Does my Tia feel defeated by all this that's going on? Does she feel that things will not get any better? Sometimes when she looks at me that's the impression I get. And I don't know what to say. I have no idea what to tell her.
As for me, this week I'll start my church volunteer work. I don't mean praying with the legion de Maria people. I mean, the other church work, the one that helps people. I won't be boring (I hope) and I won't be one of them. Too late for that.

Envy

January 21, 1983: The weather is nice and hot here. It must be over 85 Fahrenheit and it's still climbing. I adore it when it's like this because my body doesn't suffer the cold as it did in San Francisco.
There's one thing I can't get over and I shake my head everytime I think about it. That's people's envy when I am asked questions about my family in the United States. Even well-to-do people get that look in their eyes, that look that says: Why shoild you have a little more than us? Can't get used to that. My Tia helps me as much as possible by changing the subject politely or else saying hat we have an errand to run, but it still makes me uncomfortable. Having lived in another place for so many years has given me a great deal of distance and this culture can not feel like mine anymore. I've seen other things and I know there is a better way.

This Trip?

January 19, 1983: Is it this trip to Argentina, or would it have happened anyway? I find that I now have the courage to look at the Ani I didn't know existed, the unknown Ani living inside me. I already knew the person who liked books and learning and travel. But I find myself discovering that other Ani--the one with the feelings of a woman. Childhood seems to have happened centuries and centuries ago. I am a late bloomer.

Guilt

January 14, 1983; I don't know but I feel guilty about not helping my Tia more.After all, I'm all she's got here inArgentina.

Conflict

January 11, 1983: I have been thinking and remembering a lot about my life before this trip to Argentina. My life hasn't been an easy one. It never was. There was the coming to the United States when I was a little girl, then the loneliness, the dates I never had, the proms I never dressed up for. The conflicts were, for the most part, emotional. That is how they were. What they were. And they hurt. They hurt a lot. Even when the incident is no longer remembered with sharpness, the feeling still remains. It could be the feeling of failure, the feeling of something not right, that I didn't know what to do what had to be done.

Forgiveness

January 10, 1983: I asked my Tia to forgive me. I think her situation has made me very impatient. Impatient because it's not an easy thing to solve.It wouldn't be even if I had more life experience. Sometimes (not often, but just sometimes) I act like a young person. I did that the other day while we were talking in the kitchen.I said to get involved in other things. But it's not as one, two, three as all that. I should be aware that she's got too many things going in her life right now. I think I should try to think more about her and less about me. Maybe that would help things a lot.

Call from San Francisco

January 8, 1983: Last night my father called unexpectedly from San Francisco. Wanted to know how I was, when I'd be coming back. I didn't tell him that things would have to be different if I do decide to go back. They'd have to be livelier, more vibrant. I realize now that so far I've lived my life like an old-fashioned grandmother in her late 70s. Not that the grandmothers around here are old-fashioned. In fact, they're quite modern.
But I'm 26, about to turn 27. There's still time for me to be young.

The Worst in me

Flights and flight reservations bring out the worst in me. I haven't been able to master the art of calm. I don't know how to master it. I think of other times, other flights, other trips and I get sad.

Matilde at last!

January 6, 1983: Matilde was finally at home for us to talk to. We tried several times and at 5 in the afternoon, there she was. It didn't do us much good, though. She says she'll raise the ent this month, probably by 50 dollars. I told her point blank that she was doing this because of the many dollars she thinks I have. Of course, she denied the whole thing, but it's true. It is because of them. Now what are we going to do? This is a never-ending nightmare for both my Tia and me.

Heat

January 3, 1983: It's a very uncomfortable feeling, to say the least. This afternoon, on our way to see Matilde, my Tia and I ran into Padre Luis. All of a sudden, I felt that my face was hot and almost humid, though the temperature was only around 75 Fahrenheit. I used my old reliable defense mechanism and stared at the yellow sidewalk tiles again. It was the only thing I could do and I hope he didn't notice my face.
Matilde wasn't home, so we'll have to go back again. This suspense is harming my aunt. She keeps dropping things, like dishes and glasses. I don't know what to do to get her mind off this situation.

New Year's!

January 1, 1983: It was a loud New Year's! At least, it was loud for our neighbors. Fireworks and the sound of people's laughter and the clinking of glasses! That's what we heard from the houses around us. I wonder what this New Year will bring to my Tia and me. Will we find that elusive "home"? Will she find peace? Will I sort out my feelings for Padre Luis? As they say, only time will tell and I hope it tells a good story, a happy ending for both of us.

New Year's!

January 1, 1983: It was a loud New Year's! At least, it was loud for our neighbors. Fireworks and the sound of people's laughter and the clinking of glasses! That's what we heard from the houses around us. I wonder what this New Year will bring to my Tia and me. Will we find that elusive "home"? Will she find peace? Will I sort out my feelings for Padre Luis? As they say, only time will tell and I hope it tells a good story, a happy ending for both of us.

Lovely!

It'll be lovely to see and hear the sounds of New York again! The noise, the people, the traffic! Can't wait!

Nerves!

December 30, 1982: These nerves! The stress of not knowing what to do because I find myself in a strange situation! The stress of wanting to look after my Tia, but not knowing exactly how! Then there's me! my own life, my own fears. Sometimes I feel like I'm living right by my suitcase. I don't know where it'll lead me, don't know whether to unpack it or not!

Almost New Year's Eve!

December 30, 1982: The neighbors and their kids will be celebrating New Year's Eve tomorrow. I think they'll be buying fireworks and have a big party from 9 P.M. to midnight. I wish I was a part of that, but not with my Tia, at least this year. She wouldn't enjoy it and neither would I.

It'll Be a Joy!

Being in NYC again will be quite a joy. I'm really looking forward to it. The cars, the streets, the libraries, The Upper East, Upper West, Murray Hill, Midtown, Zabar's, The Plaza Hotel! It'll be a treat!

Summer Navidad!

December 27, 1982: Our Navidad (also known as Christmas) was quiet and tasty. We had pan dulce (the superior Argentinian version of panetone) and sandwiches. My Tia wasn't up to cooking, and I couldn't convince her thatI am quite a cook. So, we couldn't eat chicken and/or meat. Maybe next year! One thing I do enjoy very much is the heat! It is so warm and nice, about 80 Farenheit. Makes the holiday seem happier. But it's just as commercial here as it is in the U.S. It's all buy, buy! And spend, spend!

Quite A trip!

December 24, 1982: So far, this has been quite a trip! I have come to a country that once was my own, but no longer is. I have had to deal with problems as if I had been dealing with them all my life. One of the hardest is my Tia. She has one (if not two) feet out the door of "her" house. I don't even know where I am, exactly. Between two worlds, but not quite sure about that, either. I guess this is what happens when one becomes an expatriate.

Nochebuena!

December 24, 1982: It's nochebuena, Christmas Eve. And it will be a good night, even though my Tia and I will be by ourselves. The neighbors invited us to their homes, but she's not up to it. I remember when my family and I were still living in Argentina, how we would eat at 9:30 or 10 P.M., then towards midnight we'd get ready to drink a toast. At 12 sharp, we'd open up our presents because it was officially Christmas Day. I know this custom still exists, so I bought a present for my aunt. It's a dark blue shift dress. She still wears black. I think the shift will be ok., a change for the better.

Sweet Dollar!

December 23, 1982: This is sweet dollar country. They want it, they really want it, but they resent the power it has over them. They don't want it to be so powerful, so all-mighty! Now I'm on the outside looking in. I was born here, but I'm a foreigner because of my accent, because I'm more American than anything else. I will probably not get used to this feeling, but I'll try.

No Use

December 22, 1982: It's no use. You can't change people. I don't know what made me think about this, but it's quite true: people will do what they want to regardless of what you (I) want.

Needs

December 21, 1982: I wonder what happens to needs that don't get met. I wonder if they give up out of tiredness and just go away. I have a great need to help, but I also admit that I might need help, or at least, guidance. Do dreams that don't come true go away too? Or do they just transform themselves and become other dreams?

The Party

December 21, 1982: It was so good! I mean, the party was just an enjoyable experience. My first Navidad in Argentina in ages, and being near Padre Luis and getting to know the neighbors a little bit more. They were all nice to my aunt and me. Don't know why that should surprise me, but it does. Everybody was on their best behavior. They were all like actors in a happy Broadway production. The women were dressed up (even the grandmother types) and they wore their best perfume, their best everything.
When Padre Luis came up to talk to my aunt, all I could do was stare at the floor again. I don't like that at all about myself. I really don't. I'll try to do better next time. We couldn't stay for as long as I would have liked, but maybe later. I'm sure there'll be another party sometime soon.

Tonight's Party!

December 20, 1982: My Tia and I are postponing the dreaded Matilde interview till after the holidays. In the meantime, we're paying that woman outrageous rent. I don't like her taking advantage of us (or my mother's American dollars).
I'm really looking forward to tonight's pre-Christmas parish party. Padre Luis is sure to be there (he has to attend) and I feel like the Queen invited me to a ball at Buckingham Palace! Never wore makeup in my life, but I'll ask my aunt to let me have some of her English-style cologne. Don't think I'll need rouge because I know I'll blush if I have to speak to him. There's this nice blue shirtwaist-style dress that I can wear. Can't wait for us to get to the church!

Silly Questions

December 18, 1982: I get asked so many silly questions here! People ask me how much money my parents have, what do they own, how much they make. I try to be polite but it gets on my nerves. The culture in Argentina is so different! I don't know if I can get used to it again. I love San Vicente, but sometimes these questions are too much!

Butterflies

December 17, 1982: I have the butterflies in my stomach feeling even when I just think about Padre Luis. What is it that draws me to him? What's the big attraction? He's almost my own age. Before I used to like men at least 10 years older than I am. But that can't be everything. He's tall, but not too tall. He's not fat and he's not thin, either. He's got fair skin, wavy brown hair and his eyes are between grey and blue. The thing I like best is his smile. It just wrinkles up his eyes and makes him look like a nice but mischievous little boy. No, he's definitely not boring. And I wouldn't call him a phony. Some people are. Never liked that at all. You can't trust phonies.
I'll keep on analyzing myself tomorrow. Now it's time to brace myself for the Matilde meeting.

Another Matilde Interview

December 17, 1982: I can't talk her out of it! My Tia insists on going to Matilde's to have another chat with her about the housing problem. I say to let Padre Luis handle it. He seems to be a savvy and practical person. When my mother's new check arrives, we'll have to spend most of the money on rent and that's not fair. It's not fair to my mother and it's not fair to my Tia. My mother worked hard for those dollars and my Tia's nerves are on edge.
I'll ask her if I can start putting up ads around the neighborhood advertising my services as an English teacher. There must be a big demand for that in Argentina. I can help my aunt and I'd feel more independent and grown-up. About time.

An old lady?

December 15, 1982: It is beginning to be so hot here! This is the type of weather I like! The sun on my skin makes me feel young, not like an old lady of 94. When I was living in San Francisco, I shivered most of the time. The weather (inside me and outside) was grey and dismal. It's not like that here. We have problems--Big Problems--but I can fight them better because the weather here is better. Sounds strange or funny (I don't exactly know which), but it's true. Weather does affect people. It affects me.

Patterns

I notice patterns in my life. There is the pattern of traveling too much and then not wanting to travel at all. There is the pattern of wanting something and not wanting it even if it were given to me. I don't know how to make sense of these patterns, but I will. Eventually I'll understand myself better.

Padre Luis Again!

December 15, 1982: Yesterday my Tia and I went to see Padre Luis again and I got that feeling. I couldn't even look at him while they talked. Just stared at the floor as if they were the most fascinating things I'd ever seen. I think that if Padre Luis were not what he is, even if he didn't waer that collar around his young neck, my feelings would still confuse me. I've never felt them before. Wish I had someone my own age (but with more experience) to talk about this. My aunt just isn't that person.
He can't be our voucher in case we rent another place, but he will go talk with Matilde. I'm glad of that, at least. Also glad we're looking for help wherever we can. That's a step forward.

New York in my head

New York is in my head today, tonight, everyday. I see bits and pieces of my favorite places in the City--the Upper East Side, Central Park, Tribeca--and I long for it with a feeling that I can't quite describe. It's more than longing, more than wishing for it. New York should be more than in my head. I should be living there again.

New Obstacle!

December 13, 1982: We need to have a warranty that we'll be able to pay the rent in the new place, wherever that may be. Everybody loves my Tia, but where are we going to get someone to do us that big of a favor? When it comes to money, people are always the same: they're nice but they won't bother going the extra mile. She wants to go and talk to Padre Luis and even though I'd love to see him again, I know he won't do it. Not bewcause he wouldn't want to, but because he just can't. He doesn't own the parish house, he just lives there because he's a priest.

Crisis!

December 10, 1982: We have to move as soon as possible. That's what Matilde, the landlady, says and we have nowhere to go! I'm scared and I know my Tia is too.