Not Bad

January 16, 1984: For my first and second days, as a working girl, things did not go too badly. I like being busy, I like talking to people on the phone. But, best of all, I like knowing that I´ll see Luis for a few hours each and every day.

Work

January 14, 1984: Today is my first official day as a receptionist. I will be handling the phones, filing away a document or two as well as playing secretary when Luis´s regular secretary is not around. What scares me is the fact that I may not be able to handle my feelings. I mean, what if I look at him with love in my eyes and people are around? This is just like a small town and people do gossip.

Talk

January 11, 1984: Luis and a group of people were on the sidewalk in front of the church.Last night was a beautiful early summer evening. When we walked past him, he started to talk with my Tia.I couldn´t help but notice that he was looking at me, but I couldn´t say anything.I just tried not to stare. He asked me a question, and I simply said the first thing that popped into my head, whatever that was.

Haircut!

January 10, 1984: I saw Luis again tonight when my Tia and I went to Mass. I couldn´t believe it! Why should I care? He got his hair cut.So what? I should say. But I do care. It´s silly, but I wanted him to tell me he was going to do it.

Preparing

January 6, 1984: I know she´s not a coward, but this upcoming trial worries me. There must be something I can do to prepare her, some way to coach her through its many sessions.
I don´t know if working with Luis will work at all. Too much closeness, I think.

How?

January 4, 1984: Sometimes I look at my Tia when she´s sewing or knitting or cooking our Sunday pasta meal, and I wonder how she can stand it. I mean the pressure of Matilde´s demands for more money, for her two-faced attitude. How does she cope?

New Year

December 31, 1983: We will not do anything this New Year. Again, I will hear the clinking of glasses and the laughter of the neighbors around us, but I will be on the outside looking in.

Good

December 29, 1983: Maybe being a receptionist will be good for me.I have never been one before, and maybe seeing Luis on a day to day basis will make me not love him anymore. I think I will start right after the New Year. At leasr Doña Teresa said so.

Christmas

December 25, 1983: Our little Navidad was a quiet one. My Tia and I had a little something to eat (baked chicken and potatoes) with some pan dulce, so much better than the pannetone we usually get back in San Francisco. Doña Teresa invited us to spend the evening with her family, but mt Tia said no, she was not up to it just yet. All around us we could hear laughter and the clinking of glasses. Maybe next year--maybe next year we can have something to be happy about.

Colectivo Ride

December 24, 1983: Maybe my Tia and I should just go on a long, long colectivo ride! Maybe the Mercedes Benz public busses of Buenos Aires could help us get away from all our problems. We could just go and be done with them. Thinking about T. Williams and his play, A Streetcar Named Desire gave me the idea. We could very easily call our story A Colectivo Named Goodbye.

Enough

December 21, 1983: I think my Tia has had enough of all this. This morning, she had a hard time getting out of bed. It was 8 and she was still nowhere near ready to get up. Her tiredness must be emotional, more emotional than anything else. Wish the trial were over and done with. For her sake, more than for mine.

Later

December 12, 1983: The trial will be after Navidad. That is good and it is also bad. It is good because my Tia will spend the holidays in peace (at least some peace) and it is bad because it is postponing it. We hardly need any more postponing anything.

The Party

December 20, 1983: I got dressed after having a hard time deciding what to wear to the Pre Navidad parish party. My blue dress? The green one? Which one would look best on me? Had no idea, all the while pretending that this new interest in fashion had nothing to do with Luis. But I couldn´t fool myself for long, it had everything to do with him.I finally chose another dress, a light brown one, the least old ladyish of the lot.
Funny. When we saw him (and he was one of the last persons we talked to), I pretended to ignore him. He seemed like he wanted to say something to me, but I looked the other way. Can´t help it. That´s how I feel. It´s not that I´m ashamed of anything. I´m afraid of my feelings. Afraid of him and I don´t know why that is. The last thing Luis is is a monster or a demon.

Navidad

December 12, 1983: We will have a quiet Navidad.Then we have to get tough for when the trial starts. Very tough.

Jealous?

December 10, 1983: A funny thing happened yesterday afternoon. We (my Tia, Doña Teresa and I) were standing on the sidewalk of the church. It was a sunny afternoon and my Tia and I were on our way back from one of our errands. Doña Teresa was asking me about the boyfriend I am supposed to have in San Francisco. I told her I had someone interested in me when I first came to stay with my Tia because I felt so awkward! Girls in Argentina are hardly nuns, and they usually have a boyfriend (or two) by the time they are 16 or so. At 26, I felt like some old maid.
Anyway, just then, Luis walked by us. When he heard the word boyfriend, he looked at me. In fact, he stared and turned a little red. I did not know how to handle the situation, so I nudged my Tia on the arm. She looked at me, then at him.
The last thing I want to imagine is that Luis felt something like jealousy. I mean, I would love it if that were true, but maybe in the seminary they teach them not to feel those feelings, or to pray them away. He is young and he is a man, but. If he tells me he is jealous, fine. Otherwise, I will try to go on as if nothing had happened.

Story

December 9, 1983: My Tia´s story is a sad one. Even with me here, it´s still not easy for her. Never was easy, as far as I know.Always hard work, hard work and more of the same.

Seen

December 8, 1983: I haven´t seen Luis in a while. I guess it´s better this way. What could he say to me and I to him? It´s done.

Business

December 6, 1983: Now it´s time to get down to business. We have to face the fact that moving to another place is very probably a reality. I have to face it with my Tia. She´ll miss the neighbors and they´ll miss her, but the lawsuit is not something we can expect to win.

Birthday

December 4, 1983: My Tia´s birthday is almost here. Tomorrow, in fact. No lawyers, no reminders of anything ugly, please!

Start

December 3, 1983: This should be the start of something new, something better, for my Tia and me. We should be happy and not sad. Keep thinking about this and how to achieve it.

Imagination

November 30, 1983: Still very hot and very humid around here. I love it because it reminds me of good things, of happiness. I have been imagining how things would be for my Tia, how they could be for her. She has (in my dream) a little house, a two bedroom place in San Vicente. It is bought and paid for so she will not have to worry about rent or mean and envious landladies or anything like that ever again. The house has a garden in front, a larger garden in back. She is happy and she smiles. I am not stressed, do not even know what the word means because I see that she has what she wants and needs. Luis. He is in the dream too. Luis loves me.

How?

November 28, 1983: How will my Tia solve her problem? The only way is with money, better known as good old cash. I give her all the love and affection I can, but you cannot take that to the bank and open an account.

Reality

November 27, 1983:It´s hot this time of year--it´s very hot and the humidity is very high. That is something that my Tia and I both enjoy very much. What I can´t enjoy is the reality of her situation. The lawyer told me in private that it isn´t going to be good. She could lose the lawsuit. Too many things against her.

Today

November 26, 1983; The pain of losing Luis seems unbearable. Losing isn´t the right word for it, since I never had him, but that´s how I feel and that will not change. Ever.

Digestion

November 15, 1983:I have to think and think hard about the conversation with my Tia. What she told me about Luis did not sit well with me, but I know she meant well, There is no need to dream anymore, there is no point to it.

My Tia Talks

November 25, 1983: We got back from the chapel a little early, at around 6 PM, and then she told me what she thought. Yes, I probably believed that the Padre was a regular guy because I was in love with him, but he wasn´t. He had taken a vow and he belongs to God. She didn´t want me to come back because she knew I´d get hurt. Just look at the white collar he has to wear, Ani. Look at it, and then tell me what it means!
That´s when I swallowed hard and turned red. I don´t think I felt guilty, but I love Luis and I don´t want the Church to have anything to do with him. Maybe I´m selfish, maybe I´m possessive, but that is exactly how I feel.
My Tia took both her hands in mine and then I cried on her shoulder.

Up Close

November 24, 1983: It happened without my seeking it. My Tia decided to go see the new chapel(the bishop has just built it) and that is when I saw Luis. He looked like a normal guy.I could not help noticing the white shirt with the open collar. Then I had to turn my back to him while he and my Tia carried on some sort of conversation. I could not look him in the eye just yet.
But when he asked me how I was, I told him that I had sent him a letter. Was it his habit not to answer any of the letters he received? He seemed a little amused by my question, and my Tia nudged me in the arm. I told her that when I had sent the letter, I had expected an answer and had not received one.That is when I gave up. My shoulders shrugged of their own accord. Next time he spoke to me I pretended not to hear.

Reminders

November 22, 1983: Today my Tia remembered that President Kennedy was shot 20 years ago. And that reminded her that my uncle admired Kennedy.
We have to get us an aggressive lawyer, a person who will fight for her interests--because things are hard enough as they are for her. No need to make them even harder.

Appointment

November 22, 1983: So that my Tia can feel better, I have made an appointment to see a lawyer.She does not want to spend the checks my mother sends her on a lawyer with many years of experience practicing law, so it is back to the Colegio de Abogados in San Tomas.

Nerves!

November 20, 1983: My Tia and I are, each in her own way, trying not to let this uncertainty in our lives affect us. Sometimes it feels like the danger experienced by the protagonist of a monster movie. I know it must upset her a great deal, but my Tia wil not tell me in so many words. That is not her personality. Instead, she fusses over me more than usual.
I have come to the conclusion that my feelings for Luis are not going to go away anytime soon. It is just not how this love is.

Mass

November 19, 1983: We went to Mass and there he was. That is seeing Luis again (at least in a way), but that is not the Luis I love. That Luis, up there celebrating Mass, is not the man I fell in love with. I want the other Luis, the one that makes me feel like a woman, the man I care about more than I have ever cared about any one.