Work/Life

April 27, 1987: My English classes are not bringing enough money. Teaching at a private school is out of the question for two reasons: I would not be getting a larger salary and my Tia would be left alone a lot of the time. I can't afford for her to feel with no one to talk to, no one to turn to in case she starts to feel sick. What to do? I don't want to ask my mother for money. It is not safe here in Argentina and besides, I want to make it on my own. Writing a best seller would be great! I often fantasize about that. Then I could buy her a house, even our old rented house and she'd get to enjoy life a little bit. My Tia deserves that. And more.

Tia's Mask

April 17, 1987: When my mother calls from San Francisco, my Tia puts on her mask. Everything's fine, she tells her. We are not rich, but Ani and I are doing too bad considering. Considering what?, my mother asks. Bueno, this is still Argentina. Strange things happen here. Strange things? I can imagine my mother's alarmed face as she holds on to the receiver. No, no, nothing to worry about. I meant to say that the economy is not like the one you have over there in NorteAmerica. They chat for a few more minutes. Then, after I have talked to my mother, we hang up the phone. That's when my Tia's mask com es off. It's only for a little bit, a minute or two, but it's enough. I can see how sad and tired she really is. She's been protecting people all her life and now she's protecting me--and herself.

Addicted?

April 10, 1987: I often feel that I am addicted to emotional pain. Physical pain doesn't bother me, but emotions sometimes are very intense and I don't have room to breathe. I feel things so much that it scares me. That's how it was when I got to know my Tia all over again and also when I fell in love with Luis. I couldn't believe the intensity of my feelings. Now we are having some quiet times, but they're just too blah. I need something extra. I need fizz without the champagne.

Easter, All That

April 9, 1987: I have changed and I'm not sure I like it. A little while ago, Easter meant a lot to me. Easter was a chance to be near Luis, to talk to him. Now, I simply don't care. For my Tia's sake, I go out and buy the famous empanadas de vigilia, but that's it.She and I love the tuna-filled pockets because they taste so good and the dough is so flaky. But anything religious? No, not a chance! Luis is gone that I couldn't care less about Easter and what it means.

Alone

April 2, 1987: It's like the 70s song, Alone Again, Naturally. After enjoying what to me was emotional and psychological Paradise in San Vicente, I have a feeling that soon I'll be losing my Tia. I don't know why I have this feeling, but it's very real. I tried shaking it off, looking the other way, but it keeps coming back.