Different Flags by Eugenia Renskoff

Different Flags, a book by Eugenia Renskoff, tells the story of 26-year-old Ani. Ani leaves her comfortable but stifling life in San Francisco to travel to Argentina to comfort her widowed Aunt Esther. Once back in her native country, Ani must face her unexpected feelings of love for Padre Luis, her aunt's young and handsome parish priest. Different Flags is a study of Ani's inner conflict.

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Name:
Location: New York, New York, United States

I am a writer, translator and teacher of Spanish and English to foreign students. I have been writing since I was six. I love to express myself through words. I have also traveled widely.

Monday, February 28, 2005

Writing for dear life

December 8, 1982: When I write, I like to write fast, at a furious pace. I want to get the words out before I have a chance to forget them. I need to express how I feel without being censored and I want my words to have significance. This trip to Argentina has given me lots of material. There are so many things that are new to me, like an unexplored world I've never visited before. That's how Argentina, the country of my birth, feels to me now. It would be fair to say that I hardly recognize it. I want to see where all these discoveries will lead me. I need to get at the truth.
And I want to get to know my Tia, too, and write about her. Tomorrow I'll ask her questions about her life when she was young, my age or younger. What did she feel? How did she spend her days? I know so very little about her!

Never-Ending

December 7, 1982: this morning my Tia told me that she finds her days to be never ending. Her hours just drag on and she has trouble sleeping at night. I asked her since when she's felt like this. "Ever since your uncle left me," she said."He didn't want to die. He wanted to stay here with me." Nobody can bring him back. What I can do is find something to distract her, to take her mind off things. The housing problem must be worrying her a lot, too. It has to at her age. I'll ask Teresa about church groups later today. The Legion de Maria wouldn't be quite right for my aunt because she'd have to walk a lot from one house to another. Besides, we pray a lot and my aunt wouldn't be up to that.

Right Time?

December 7, 1982: Is there ever a right time to know what you really want? Is there ever a right time to begin understandig yourself? Here I am, almost 27, and I still have so many unanswered questions. There are still so many things nobody can tell me nything about.I love my Tia, but she's got her own problems. I can't ask her to help me cope with what I feel for Padre Luis, for instance. All she'd say would be: He's good-looking, he's a priest and that there'd be a scandal if something actually came of it.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

It's in the Air

December 5, 1982: I think that there's something in the air, something I can't quite describe, that tels me a change is coming to my life. I don't know what it means yet (I'm still very naive about a lot of things), but yes, definitely, there is something about to happen. I took a very important step coming over here to Argentina. I sold my jewelry to get the money for the ticket, I defied my family, but it's not enough. There's got to be more and I know there will be.

My Tia's Birthday

December 5, 1982: Today Teresa and I had a surprise for my aunt's birthday and she didn't suspect a thing. Our neighbor invited us over for a cup of cafe con leche, saying she wanted to ask me something about an English phrase. There waas a tray full of sandwiches, some danish and even a small cake with one candle. We kissed my Tia hard on the cheek and made a toast with our cups. She looked so happy!
While we were talking, Teresa mentioned Padre Luis. He always has a pre-Christmas celebration for his parishoners and, of course, we're invited. I can't wait to see him again! It'll also be my first "grown-up" Navidad in Argentina and my Aunt won't be alone.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Vera Drake

Vera Drake is a lower middle class domestic employee in 1950 England. She always has a cup of tea (and lots of sympathy) handy for the girls she helps out of their troubles. Her motives are not mercenary; she does what she does out of the goodness of her heart. The expression on her face when she gets caught is one of the best I have seen in films. It makes the audience understand and empathize with her. Imelda Staunton deserves the Best Actress Oscar for 2004.
The sets are superb, catching the drabness of the life Vera Drake leads. The clothes are just right, too. They're the clothes the people living in that era must have worn.
One of the best lines in Vera Drake is the one spoken by a character after Vera Drake is found out.
"If you can't feed them, you can't love them," he says about the reasons why the women seek to terminate their pregnancies.

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Letter from Home?

December 3, 1982: Today we received a letter from San Francisco and a card for my Tia's birthday. Sometimes I think my mother doesn't know I'm not a little girl anymore. Yes, I know Argentina is certainly not anything like the United States! I know,too, that I shouldn't mind it when people comment on my accent. It's not Argentinian anymore and it's not exactly American, either. It's something, but I don't know exactly what yet.
Glad too that my mother sent my aunt some money for her birthday. Poor woman! She feels so insecure these days without my uncle! Just like a ship without a captain.

Friday, February 25, 2005

I Am not Alone

December 1, 1982: 4 more days until my Tia's birthday. This short time here with her has helped ease some of my loneliness, and for that I'm very grateful. I don't feel as grey here as I did back in San Francisco. Maybe I can belong in San Vicente, if only for a little bit.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Personal

November 29, 1982: This trip to Argentina has made me think about many things. One of those things is how sensitive I can be. I take things personally a lot of the time. That's not a very convenient way to act, nota convenient way to be. Maybe I'll change that sometime. Maybe later I'll improve in ways I can't imagine today.

Impressions of Argentina

November 29, 1982: Now I see Argentina with other eyes. I'm an American more than anything else. The country has changed a lot since I was living here as a child. The people are less formal than they used to be and they're more practical when it comes to the Catholic Church. they don't even (most of them, anyway), bother to cross themselves when they go by a church the way they used to do.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

My Tia and I talk

November 26, 1982: Last night, right after dinner, my Tia and I had a heart-to-heart conversation. Now I realize that we come from 2 different generations and that we can't be alike, no matter how much we love each other. My aunt mentioned Padre Luis and my volunteer work (which hasn't even started yet). She says she doesn't want me to get hurt. Neither do I. That's something I did a lot of in my life already.And she doesn't want people to start to notice and gossip about me. But I've got to do this. I'm 26, almost 27, and it's time I wised up about men, forbidden or not. It's now or never time.

The Opportunity Comes to Me

November 20, 1982: Last Saturday after Mass, a woman approached my aunt and me just as we were about to go home. She started talking about how much she liked Padre Luis and his "work" and how she enjoyed being a volunteer for the Legion de Maria. Then this woman (Bernarda) asked my Tia if she'd would like to join the group. No, thank tou. Bernarda then asked me. I looked at my Tia and she looked at me. I told Bernarda I needed time to think it over. This could be my chance! I'd get to know Padre Luis a little more and that might help me get over my feelings for him; maybe somebody in the Legion knows somebody who might be able to help my Tia, at least give her advice that nobody else has so far.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Church Work?

November 18, 1982: Maybe if I started doing church work, I would see Padre Luis more often and find out why I feel what I feel. Maybe if I did good deeds, it would help me get over whatever it is I need to get over. I'll ask Teresa tomorrow. Her daughter-in-law does volunteer work. She'd be able to give me some idea as to what I'd be good at.

Monday, February 21, 2005

The Day Looms large!

The hours seem to have become paralyzed. I don't know where or why they're stuck, but they've stopped moving. It takes them so much effort to go from 10 A.M. to 11 and from 11 A.M. to 12 noon!

Lawyer Time Again

November 15, 1982: We have to call the lawyer again. he probably won't be able to tell us anything we haven't already heard, but my Tia needs to feel that she'll be listened to by someone who knows more about the law than we do. She's so nervous these days that I don't know what to do to distract her! Matilde is taking advantage of the situation (and of my family's dollars). We need to have an idea what to do about this. How much is too much?
The secretary at the Colegio de Abogados said she'd give Dr. Canale my message. I can't wait for him to call us back. If he doesn't, we'll just have to go see him again.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

We visit Matilde

November 13, 1982: Today was our day to pay Matilde a visit. We went early, right after our siesta, without having our usual mate with bizcochos de grasa. Just get it over with was in both our minds.
Matilde's house is old-fashioned and big. It'd be really pretty if she cared about having it painted and doing something about her garden. The house doesn't even have a buzzer and my Tia had to shout to let her know we were waiting on the sidewalk for her. After the usual kisses on the cheek (an expected part of the culture around here even if you don't like the person), we had to listen to all the San Vicente gossip. Finally we got down to the nitty gritty: this woman raised our rent by a 100%. I think it's because of the dollars she imagines I have in my suitcase. For now we're paying, but next week I plan to ask the lawyer in San Tomas his advice again.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

In Spite of Everything

It wasn't the best of times, he experiences (most of them) I wouldn't want to repeat again, but I miss being there. I miss the hustle and the bustle and the movements everywhere. I wouldn't change New York City for anything in the woold.

Dodging the truth

November 11, 1982: I'm sure I'm trying to dodge the truth about my feelings (or whatever they are) for Padre Luis. What else would I call what I'm doing?

A Long Distance Phone Call

November 11, 1982: My mother called last night. She spoke with my Tia first, then me. It seemed so strange. I felt that something besides thousands of miles worth of geography are separating me /us. When she asked me how things are going here, I didn't know what to tell her. It's struggling along, just like I am. What I didn't mention were my feelings for Padre Luis, a priest/man I've only seen a few times. That's not much, but I need to see more of him. I don't know why yet. Maybe I don't want to find out why.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Luis?

November 8, 1982: Teresa, our neighbor, came to see us. She kissed my aunt on the cheek, then me. Very charming European custom, as it always was. While we had our steaming cups of cafe con leche with media lunas, my Tia and Teresa talked about the weather, the other neighbors and, of course, my aunt's problem. Suddenly, Teresa mentioned Luis, as in Pade Luis. My face went all red and I had to stare quickly at the wall so they wouldn't notice. Teresa is a nice woman, but she'd wonder why I become "startled" . I'm supposed to have a boyfriend In California and Luis is a priest, after all.
Teresa suggested that maybe he can go talk with Matilde. It'd be great if he persuaded her to let my Tia stay in this house. We don't want to move. my Tia is not well enough to move and start all over again and I like San Vicente. I like it very much.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Downtown Buenos Aires

November 5, 1982; We took the commuter train from San Vicente to downtown Buenos Aires, a thirty minute ride. from Estacion Retiro, we walked about 6 blocks to the exchange house on Calle Libertad. Senor Leonardi, the owner, treated my Tia like an important visitor from out of town. He was so polite and nice that I was really grateful to him and I know she was, too. His place has always been busy and this time was no exception. When we got there the phones were ringing away, several people wanted to see him, and when we left, he had to escort us to the door.
Outside, more people, most of them on their lunch hour, walked to and fro, some pushing, some shoving. And the music from the record stores was unbelievably loud! Most of it was American music, with some tangos for the tourists. The money we exchanged will last us about 3 weeks, long enough to find another place. At least, I hope so.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Why I write

I write to please myself. After all, I want to like what I write, I want to be true to myself. I also write so that readers can relate and identify with what I'm saying. In a very real sense, I write to unite, to do away with impossible bridges. I write to be.

Sly Questions

November 3, 1982: We got invited to a neighbor's house for a cup of cafe con leche. It was quite a treat because cafe con leche here tastes a lot better than cafe latte did/does in San Francisco. And if you eat media lunas with the cafe, it's almost heaven. The media lunas also are better than the run of the mill crescents. They're a lot more buttery and delicate and you really don't need to add jam.
Teresa, the neighbor, wanted to know everything about me: what I did in California, did I have a boyfriend, was it a serious relationship, are my parents homeowners or do they rent, everything. I lied about the boyfriend part. I know it's part of the culture here to want to know all about a new acquaintance's life, but it makes me a little uncomfortable. And, frankly, I don't like to be inexperienced about men. Teresa wouldn't understand if I told her the truth. I don't understand it myself. Good thing that my Tia helped me with some of the answers.
Then Teresa got on the subject of Padre Luis, how nice he is and all that. Where did his family come from--Spain or Italy? Spain, from Galicia in the northern part of the country. He has that air about him, that mysterious air that I used to see in the older immigrants from the mother country. Right now I want to know things about him. i don't know where it'll lead me, but I want to know more about the man.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

The Lawyer again

October 30, 1982; We got a call from the lawyer we saw in San Tomas the other day. He seemed really concerned bout my Tia's plight and wanted to know if she had anything signed with the landlady, anything at all. I think he asked her this question when we had our meeting, and my aunt told him no, she and my uncle didn't bother to sign a tenant-landlord lease because they trusted Matilde. The man must be grasping at straws, just like we are.
I saw that look of despair and deep sadness again on my Tia's face when she hang up the phone.I wished I could have done something, anything, to make it all go away. If I had enough money, I would take her as far away from San Vicente as I could. All I can do is place a collect call to my mother in San Francisco and ask her if she has any ideas. My Tia's pension barely covers her rent, utilities and food.

Monday, February 14, 2005

San Vicente, Part Two

October 28, 1982: Yesterday we went for another walk around San Vicente. I was able to see more closely how the neighbors interacted with one another. There were people of all ages--young, not so young, kids--sitting by their front doors. The afternoon was sunny and warm and nobody seemed to be troubled about anything. My aunt and I stopped to chat with several of her neighbors. We had to promise to call on a few of them and we invited them to the house for cafe or a cup of tea. Who knows till when we'll be there! Matilde, the landlady, will probably not change her mind about letting my Tia stay a little longer--not even for old times sake.

Sideways--Movie Review

Sideways is the story of Miles, a talented and alcoholic writer who has a hard time getting published. In a week he'll be the best man for his actor friend Jack. Miles and Jack go to the wine country in California so that Jack can have his last fling before tying the knot. Sideways is a character driven story, showing people having a mid life crisis. Miles is the star of the movie. It is his story that we are being told at the same time that we watch Jack find a cute waitress for his male adventure. I found it a very moving and funny movie. Miles is a good writer, perhaps a very good writer, who has his novels continually rejected for one reason or another. He is a divorced schoolteacher who's still not over the loss of his wife. When he meets Maya, a waitress friend of Jack's new conquest, he has to make some sort of a decision.
Sideways takes the movie viewer into the hearts and minds of these two middle aged men and it does it with great acting, writing and compassion.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Dead House

Nobody lives in it. Nobody wants it anymore. It's just empty. It's an empty burden.

Padre Luis Again!

October 26, 1982: Last night just before dinner, my aunt and I took a short walk. Since the church was right there, three blocks away, we decided to go in before they closed it until the morning. Mass had just ended and Padre Luis was standing by the steps leading to the altar.
I wish I knew more about men! It seems that I've been nowhere all my life! I should know how to handle myself, but I don't.
When he came over to speak to us, my aunt nudged me on the arm. I had to be polite and take his hand when he offered it to me. I barely touched his, and while they had their conversation, I stared at the floor.For the life of me, I couldn't do anything else to hide the sudden red in my cheeks.
I think that he really cares about my Tia and not just because that's what a priest is supposed to do. He and my uncle were friends in spite of the difference in their ages. Padre Luis is 27, a year older than I am. My uncle could very well have been his father.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

My Aunt's Kitchen

October 24, 1982: Today my aunt and I had a long conversation in her kitchen. It's my favorite room in the house. The walls are painted a baby shade of blue, the kitchen table is light green, the chairs are a little darker. There's a a door that opens onto the patio. It's a room with a homey feel to it, and I don't think it's because of anything having to do with food.
Anyway, my aunt and I talked. She wants to know why I don't want to go back to San Francisco. I made some sort of an excuse about my not being able to change the return date unless I pay a fine. That's not exactly true because I could only buy a one-way ticket with the money I got from the sale of the jewelry. I don't want to go back to the same old, same old. Trying to help her is another reason.

Now What?

October 24, 1982: What will happen to us now? I'm worried about my Tia and me, my own situation. We do have a "home" but we're standing on the edge of a precipice. In a few weeks, this apt. won't be "hers" anymore. And looking for a new place will put extra pressure on my aunt's already shaky health.
I had to leave San Francisco one way or another.The situation there had become intolerable. I didn't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm glad to be here with her because I care about my aunt very much. But, how will things change for her? For me? How will I be able to help her? She needs looking after. I need guidance.

Friday, February 11, 2005

My Aunt's neighbors

October 23, 1982: This afternoon we're going to visit an elderly neighbor, an italian lady who lives alone just down the block from my Tia's house. It'll distract her from her problem and from the going back to the USA idea. It's too soon, much too soon.
Last night, when we got back from the lawyer, the neighbors were all there, having some sort of block party. The weather was perfect for it, in the mid 70s. Graciela, the woman next door, must have guessed something was going on because she started to talk about some kitchen gadget she'd bought, asking my aunt's advice about it as if she were the manufacturer. My aunt was a great cook when my uncle was alive. She can make a great Italian tomato sauce without using any pepper and just a hint of oregano.
i realize why my aunt doesn't want to move. Her neighbors are her family, her family in Argentina.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Go Back?

October 22, 1982: I won't do it! My Tia just told me that because things are going to get sticky (as in VERY) for her, I'd better go back to San Francisco. I went through too much to get here in the first place. Selling the jewelry to get the plane ticket wasn't easy. I'll stay and we'll take our chances.

The Lawyer

October 21, 1982: We finally got to see a lawyer. In the afternoon, we got on the colectivo #60 and the driver let us off at the San Tomas train station. We walked 6 blocks to the Law School building. It was late, around 4:30, so we didn't have any problem getting someone to speak with us. The lawyer, a handsome man in his 30's, seemed very polite and interested in what my Tia had to say. But he told her that it was the landlady's house and that she could do what she wanted with it. My aunt trembled and I thought she was going to faint. I had never seen her like this, so discouraged and worn out.
Then the lawyer asked me some questions. I told him I was her sister's eldest daughter and that I had just arrived from San Francisco. That made him notice my accent. I know I don't sound Argentinian anymore. I don't like people telling me that. It's an uncomfortable feeling.
When my aunt and I left the Law School, I helped her put on her light sweater before hurrying back home.

Storms of Life

Life will hit us, that's for sure. If it's not with one thing, then it'll be with another. It'll take us when we're not even looking, when we are very vulnerable. I don't know what the "trick" is, maybe it's just to keep going.

Law School

October 20, 1982: I am talking my aunt into going to see a lawyer. The law school of San Tomas has a good law school. It has lawyers that offer free advice, and San Tomas is not far from San Vicente. Hopefully one of them can say something that will help my aunt and make her feel better.

Unexpected Encounter

October 20, 1982; Yesterday, when my Tia and I went to visit a neighbor, we ran into Padre Luis. I didn't feel comfortable seeing him again. I don't exactly know why. In spite of my age (26) I haven't had too much experience with men, and now this young priest unsettles me. I blushed all over when he looked at me and I looked down at the tiles on the sidewalk.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Few Words

My Tia is a woman of very few words. Today I was worried about her and I asked her if she wanted to talk, but all she said was: No es nada. No pasa nada. And that isn't true. Something's going on. Things have happened to her lately: she's lost her husband of many years, her savings are no more and now the landlady wants her out. I want her to trust me. Maybe it's her upbringing, the Argentininan version of the British stiff upper lip way, that makes her the way she is. She's not alone anymore, but will that help?

Bad News

October 18, 1982: I didn't write in my diary yesterday, but I had a good reason. Matilde says she needs the apt. for a relative and she wants my Tia out. Yesterday we waited more than 45 minutes outside her front door before she finally deigned to talk with us. What will my aunt do now? She wants to go see Padre Luis, but I have my doubts. Besides, I don't think I'm ready to see him again.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Inner Shackles

There are inner shackles that stand in our way. Inner shackles that will block our way if we let them.

My Tia's landlady

October 16, 1982: Today we're going to meet with my aunt's landlady and see if she can let my aunt stay in the apt. I'll do my best to persuade her. My aunt and uncle have been living in the apt for over 15 years and my aunt would miss her neighbors very much. At this time in her life I don't think she could adjust to another neighborhood and start all over again.

Monday, February 07, 2005

My Aunt's situation

October 15, 1982: Last night my aunt and I talked about her situation. She doesn't have any money and her landlady wants her to move out. I was so angry when she told me this, that I wanted to rush to the woman's house and have a talk with her. My Tia doesn't look good. She's lost a lot of weight and she is very pale. Not the woman I used to know at all.
Maybe our visit to her next door neighbor tomorrow morning will cheer her up. Something has to.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

New York

During this vacation, I feel that I've been exiled from Manhattan. I miss the taxicabs, Central Park, the people (always so many of them) walking up and down the streets. I miss the energy and the noise. I miss me there, right in the middle of things. For good or bad, something's always going on in the Big Apple.

Dreams

My dreams are mine. What I dream, what I want is the real me. It's the me that needs no introduction, the me I need to be.

Padre Luis

October 14, 1982: The Mass went well. It was nice to see all my uncle's friends and neighbors there. He had been a very popular man. Later, my aunt introduced me to Padre Luis. I hope I wasn't being too impolite when I refused to shake hands with him. I couldn't help but notice his eyes and I felt funny inside when he looked at me. I promised my aunt I'd remember the white collar around his neck.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

There once was a place

There once was a place filled with wonderful things. A place full of emotion and love and belonging. It was long ago, but it still exists.

Tonight's Mass

October 13, 1982: Tonight there'll be a Mass in honor of my uncle's soul. My aunt and I will walk three blocks to her church. She has told me all about his illness, which we didn't know anything about until it was too late. When we got that telegram from Western Union, we were stunned. When I was a kid, he was such a fun uncle to be around! And now my frail aunt has to deal with being a poor widow!

Friday, February 04, 2005

San Vicente

October 12, 1982: This is my first day in San Vicente. I have to get used to it again. Most of the neighbors were there to greet me when I arrived from the airport. I liked their concern for my aunt. I call Tia. She's the most important thing now, the person I want to look out for.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Learning from your mistakes

There comes a time when we must all learn from our mistakes, when we must say no, I don't want to do it anymore. This isn't working out. What it will take for us to reach that point of no return is hard to say. But we will reach it because we need to change for the better. We need to have our lives be right, right for us.

My Aunt

October 11, 1982: My aunt looked so different! I reembered her as a robust, healthy woman and when I saw her again today after almost 3 years, she was so thin! Everything that has happened--my uncle's illness and the bills--has affected her deeply. I embraced her hard when I got to her house. I hope I can help her.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Thunderstruck one summer afternoon

He couldn't move. He stared at her not believing she was really there. The day was sunny, but the temperature had dropped quite a bit. It had been 10 years. The last time he'd seen her had been 10 years ago. And he couldn't do anything except deny it all, deny it to himself, deny it to her. She wasn't there, she wasn't really there. Neither was he.

On my way!

October 10, 1982: I'm on my way! This afternoon my parents are driving me to San Francisco International for my flight to Argentina. What will I find there? How will my aunt seem to me now after my uncle's death? Will I feel differently there than I do here?

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Continuation of Ani's Diary

October 9, 1982: The day of my trip is almost here. I don't know how I was able to wait for it to arrive. I wanted to go more than anything in the world. What will I find when I get to Argentina? I'll get a relief from this feeling of restlessness, at the very least.