Subject

January 9, 1985: Better get something else to talk about. The men thing bores me even more than the the English lessons to people who don´t want to learn the language.

Men!

January 7, 1985: I never knew there were jerks like this one that I ran into the other day! My sister used to tell me about her bad dates, but I guess experiencing things for yourself is it. No substitute for that at all.

Pass

January 5, 1985: Now I can talk about it, at least in my diary. Somebody made a pass at me, and not a good one. The guy was persistent, very, and I was afraid. Mybe it would be a trivial thing to a woman with more savvy, more experience of the world, but unfortunately, that´s not me yet.

News

January 5, 1985: I don´t want to talk about it now. Later. It´s just too much for me to describe, for me to digest.

Want To

January 3, 1985: I do so want to belong!Maybe here, maybe there. Why is it that I still don´t know? What do I need?

At Ease

January 2, 1985: It´s easier, at least so far. The hot weather helps my Tia and me be more hopeful, more upbeat. One thing I don´t miss about San Francisco (I miss everything else) is the grey weather. Not like that at all here.

Over

January 1, 1985: It´s over! 1984 wasn´t the best of years of my Tia and me. Maybe this new one will bring us some of what we want. It´s got to.

Old

December 30, 1984: I feel like an old lady, like I will never learn to be in, to be with it.

Do?

December 28, 1984: Do Luis? Because he´s a priest? Doesn´t the idea seem a little sordid?

See

December 28, 1984: Me go see Luis? Not on my life, not on his life! David and I are barely friends these days, but that doesn´t mean I want to see Luis again. Not even after David told me he thinks I should because I still love him. Have it out with the guy, he told me. Don´t think I´ll do that.

Enough

December 27, 1984: I´ve had enough of this situation. My own and my Tia´s.

Doña Teresa

December 26, 1984: Doña Teresa came to see us for an after Navidad chat. How we miss the old place in San Vicente!

Sin

December 25, 1984: No sinful thoughts today. Nothing against the Church.Just hugs and kisses.

Laughter

December 24, 1984: I said something that struck her as being funny and my Tia laughed. So glad that after all this time, she looked happy, younger, if only for a moment or two.

Christmas

December 23, 1984: Navidad without our neighbors in San Vicente? How can will we stand it? They have families; we only have each other.

People

December 22, 1984: When will I be coming back, my mother asked when she called today. I don´t know. No, I´m not staying on because of the priest. No need to dream about Luis anymore.

Easy?

December 21, 1984: Christmas is almost here, then New Year´s. My Tia and I want different things, but we want our lives to be the way we need them to be, not the way they are. A house for her to live in, no landlord trouble ever again. I want my life to be my own. To really belong to Ani and nobody else.

Late

December 20, 1984: Late. Late for everything. It´s like I can never catch up with other people, with myself.

If

December 9, 1984: I need to give it time. Give myself time not to get scared at seeing Luis again.

Why now?

December 11, 1984: Why is it happening now? Why these changes I don´t understand?

Whatever

December 11, 1984: Why get hurt? Who needs it anymore?

Whatever

December 11, 1984: Whatever so I won´t get hurt. That´s the best way, the only way.I don´t want to be in turmoil over Luis, over anything, anymore.

Nightingale

December 10, 1984: I feel like Florence Nightingale taking care of her. But this is not a story or a movie, something that can have a happy ending. It´s our very real life.

New

December 9, 1984: Something new to worry about: my Tia had to go to the hospital in an ambulance. Doctor said her heart could get worse if she doesn´t stop worrying. Won´t our problems ever stop?

Wonder

December 8, 1984:What does it feel like? I mean, to actually make love with someone you really care about? I don´t want to do it with just anybody. Never did.

Call

December 6, 1984: He called and I was jumpy. I didn´t expect to hear Luis´s voice again. Why can´t I handle it better? >I don´t want to lose my self control, stumble over words.