Cara

February 5, 1986: My face, Ani. I have the face of an old woman. I am so tired. I hate my wrinkles. I didn´t think I would ever have any. Please, don´t be like me. I know how much you love El Padre. Did you ever stop to think that sex is a big part of your love for him? Don´t be shocked. Yes,your grandmother raised your Mama and me to never mention the word. But I know you feel that for him.You think it has magic and it does. You are a very intense woman, Ani,that´s why you still care for him. That´s a curse. I had it, too, when your Tio was alive. Forget Luis if you can. I can´t promise you that you´ll meet another man that you´ll love even more, but give him up. In your heart. Let it say: I can never have you. The Church says so.

New Shoes

February 4, 1986: My Tia had to have new ones. Her old black mocassins were worn and the soles were practically nonexistent. But no new ones. We went to the nearest church and before Caritas closed at noon, she picked a used pair of shoes. It was in good condition, but that´s not the point. My Tia has worked hard all her life. Doesn´t she deserve something brand new, especially now, towards the end of her life? Doesn´t she deserve to have nice stuff instead of other people´s giveaways?

Motivation

January 28, 1986: That´s the big question: How to get motivated again? What will do it for me? I hate to have lost my determination.

Optional

January 5, 1986: If the Celibacy Ruling in the Church is ever chaged to Optional and Luis came to me then, I don`t know that I would accept him. I would want his love to be capable of surmounting all obstacles, especially that great big one while it was still in place.

Point

January 1, 1986: What´s the use? What´s the point? I can´t forget Luis. I am out of my depth. When I see other men I compare them with him and they come up short. It´s ruining my present, will do the same to my future.

Back

December 30, 1985: I look back on that awful time when I was 19 and my parts of my body were swollen. I remember my legs being cold and I couldn´t do anything to warm them because I was so thin, more than skin and bones. Despair and unhappiness in the young is so different from the way it is as you grow older. Either one stinks.